Me: *in fancy men’s clothes shop having just been told he price of the suit I was admiring* “Yes, yes I see… and how much for the hanger?”
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This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.
4-year-old: What’s that?
Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.
*eats her bacon*
There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.
Daylight saving? I’m ready for daylight spending
Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.
Amazon notifies me that my package arrived like it wasn’t unboxed 5 minutes ago.
Bartender: What’ll It be?
Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.
CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten
KRISTEN: sure
CHRISTEN: thank you
KRIS: anytime
The idiot’s diet is just biting your tongue.
(pointing at TV) That’s Homer, he’s sort of the ringleader. The hierarchy is actually not super clear but it seems like he and the woman grew the smaller ones somehow
The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block
I know a sign from God when I see one
Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store
Academic paper protip:
end your Conclusion section with
“just as the old woman in the forest predicted”
or
“in defiance of the prophecies”
My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.
shepherd: SWEET CAROLINE
sheepdog: god i hate this guy
sheep: BAH BAH BAH
sheepdog: ok i hate all of you
[office]
ME: I’m back from vacation!
BOSS: It’s been 4 1/2 years! You said a week in Venice!
ME: No, a week on Venus…which is 1701 days
This gym has a very strict rule no denim jeans or jorts. But if you’re 300 lbs of muscle & attitude, apparently it’s merely a suggestion.
*Walks up to podium*
Hey everyone, sorry my wife couldn’t make it, she’s carrying our first child.
*crowd claps*
He’s 7, he’s just lazy.
Someone asked me what was my favorite moment of 2021, and without a doubt it was when I searched for my phone in the dark by using the flashlight on my phone.
Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder
[God creating armadillos]
Shove that mouse into a seashell
There’s plenty of fish in the sea except when you’re fishing, or single.
The fact that the Oscars doesn’t have a host doesn’t bode well for Parasite.
Don’t propose with a diamond, that’s so yesterday. Propose with a pair of oven mitts, at least she’ll knows what she’s getting herself into.
No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.
*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch aroundAre these the stairs that guy dragged you down?
When sewing, always remember pattern placement is key.
If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
“I guess I’m just feeling cynical,” grumbles Judas.
“More like SIN-ical,” mutters Jesus.
“What?”
“Nothing. Have more wine.”
There should be four and only four chat rooms on Twitter.
A sorting hat assigns us to one and we stay there plotting against the other rooms