*me in first month of med school working with a cardiologist*
doc: ok let’s go see this patient, remember they are recovering from the cabbage last week
me: the what
doc: the cabbage
me: i mean ya i guess cabbage can make me gassy too but a week seems a bit excessive??
doc:
i then learned that the doctor was referring not to a leafy green vegetable but rather a coronary artery bypass graft, or CABG (pronounced “cabbage)
the doc howled with laughter lmaooo
I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…
ME: did I remember to take my antidepressants this morning?
BRAIN: does it matter? Does anything matter? Aren’t we all just insignificant threads in the tapestry of life
ME: …so that’s a no
OPPONENT: I’m gonna mop the floor with you!
ME: Thanks I could really use the help
Does anybody know how many toddlers you have to bring to ‘Toys For Tots’ before you’re eligible for an Xbox?
I like to reassure my girlfriend that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”
[Element Support Group]
Fire: I’ve been having a hard time controlling my temper
Water: I’ve been welling up a bit more often too
Earth: I think we all just need to feel more grounded
Wind: Man you guys whine a lot
Surprise: Well I didn’t see that coming
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.
Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…
The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.
grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken
king: how many horses do you have?
grocer: what
king: [panicking] how many men?
probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.
[creepy mansion]
ME: That portrait is watching us
MAN: No way
ME: [goes right up to portrait] I’m vegan
PORTRAIT: [rolls eyes]
ME: I knew it
If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.
Doctor: Is there a chance you might be pregnant?
Me: If I am, I’ll be giving birth to some batteries.
15 men all vying for the chance to fight with one woman:
1. The Bachelorette
2. The American presidential race
Samsies.
I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti
Wow, what amazing teeth! May I have a closer look?
~ Red Riding Hood, seconds before realising that forgetting to wear her spectacles wasn’t the only mistake she’d make that day.
I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.
Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”
Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now
“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”
“That’s a smart car.”
Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”
I’d get into a lesbian relationship just to mooch my girlfriend’s hair care products.
[Interrogation room after a massive Swiss cheese theft]
Detective: I gotta tell ya, your story sure has a lot of….inconsistencies in it.
Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it
A banana just sold at an art auction for $6.2 million, so if our custodian still hasn’t thrown out that orange someone left in one of our study rooms last week, we may never have to do a capital campaign again.
