*me in first month of med school working with a cardiologist*
doc: ok let’s go see this patient, remember they are recovering from the cabbage last week
me: the what
doc: the cabbage
me: i mean ya i guess cabbage can make me gassy too but a week seems a bit excessive??
doc:
i then learned that the doctor was referring not to a leafy green vegetable but rather a coronary artery bypass graft, or CABG (pronounced “cabbage)
the doc howled with laughter lmaooo
Surround yourself with people who google the menu of the restaurant beforehand.
me: so i have an attention deficit.
psychologist: yes.
me: so i need to get more attention
psychologist: no.
hot singles are in your area, merging together into a plurality, a hot leviathan. the time for chat is over. this is not your area anymore
being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”
Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster
when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters
My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral
I’m sure there’ll be some making distasteful jokes about Williams’ death. How annoying for them that he would have thought of funnier ones.
My husband wants me to seek help with my substance abuse problem. I even caught him throwing away my latest Bath & Body Works coupons.
Me: just cuz my resume is on a napkin doesn’t mean it’s not good
Employer: there’s a chicken nugget stuck to it
Me: oh is there? *winks*
Good news: He told me I was his penguin.
Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.
Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.
Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”
I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.
On predisents day we honor the big US man himself: Aberham Liclon. Tall, skinny, dry, and cruncy – he was america’s carrot
someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??
I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet
My husband told my daughter he can’t flush his contacts down the toilet because it’s bad for the oceans and she thinks it’s because “humans don’t want sharks to see better.”
Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.
My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower
Don’t drop the soap in prison because someone might steal your soap and then you will be “the dirty guy” and no one will have sex with you
It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.
*Looking at new prescription from Doctor*
Me: Take on an empty stomach? Guess I’m never taking these pills.
lost boys: how’d the prank on captain hook go?
peter pan: oh you guys are gonna love this HAHA I cut off his hand LOL and i FED IT TO THE CROCODILE 🙂
lost boys:
peter pan: so funny
lost boys: you’re a sociopath
She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.
My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it
I remember when yoga was called Twister.
My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.
