[me, in front of the firing squad] are you mad at me
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For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.
When it comes to gifts, I’m easy to buy for. I want what every woman wants: a domesticated raccoon that is willing to assist me with petty crimes.
“IF THE EASTER BUNNY HAD TIME TO HIDE ALL THESE EGGS AROUND THE HOUSE, IT SURE AS HELL HAD TIME TO DO A COUPLE OF LOADS OF LAUNDRY”
[2005, youtube’s first pitch meeting]
ok so basicaly its like if america’s funniest home videos was on 24 hrs a day on evrey computer–
SOLD
me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year
….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.
Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?
Girl: am I the dinner?
Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no
It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.
Was trying to get shots of my new hair and you can see exactly the moment I spotted the enormous daddy long-legs on the wall
Food delivery driver here, time is money so no need to stand behind your front door for a few minutes pretending that you’ve not just been staring out your window looking for us for the last 20 minutes and yes we saw your curtains twitching
*eats a crab apple*
*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*
Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?
If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle
My computer: hey friend, I’ve only got 55 minutes left on my battery
My computer two minutes later: LMAO!! *dies*
I have decided to take a martial arts class to deal with the mall’s aggressive kiosk people.
It’s 1925. I’m leanin’ against this lamppost on the lookout for dames who are lookin for trouble. I start flipping a quarter. I catch her eye. I fumble the quarter and it rolls into a sewer grate. I have lost the equivalent of thirty thousand dollars.
No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.
My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent
Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?
Me: Your head.
Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?
FRIEND: are you going to watch star wars tonight?
ME: uhh…yeah…of course
[later]
ME: [looking up from telescope pointed at night sky] odd…they seem to all be getting along just fine
My doctor says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body helps prevent cellulite.
Apparently, you can’t do it in Starbucks.
And now the cops are here…..
Chicken Doctor: *strutting in* I’m afraid he has passed.
Chicken Widow: BUT WHY
Chicken Doctor: To get to the other side.
“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.
My toddler just screamed GET OFF MY LAWN to her brother so it’s nice to know I’m not the only one becoming a totally different person right now
I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
[Spain, 1578]
“I’m not a witch!”
But all the cats?
“My pets!”
The broom?
“For cleaning!”
The cauldron of boiling children?
“Ok I’m a witch.”
I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join
Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.
Can’t believe I went on a date with someone who did a background check on me and casually spent the rest of the night reciting facts about me to me, and then proceeded to continue going out with him.