[me, in front of the firing squad] are you mad at me
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Imagine going on a date with someone holding a fish in their dating profile picture and when you get to the restaurant it’s just a salmon sitting there waiting
I wrote to the Bank: “My Cheque was returned with remark ‘Insufficient funds’. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank?”
[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab
Woman: Does Viagra work?
Pharmacist: Yes
Woman: Can you get it over the counter?
Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!
I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”
Some of you are calling yourself British but I haven’t seen you complain about the weather once.
Curious…
Her: It’s disgusting how many dirty habits you have.
Me: THE NUNS PAY ME GOOD MONEY TO DO THIER LAUNDRY OK???
Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again
“I challenge you to a duel!”
“Very well. The weapon?”
“Compliments.”
“A capital choice.”
“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”
Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..
“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead
5 Stages of Girl Scout Cookie Season:
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. 436 boxes of Thin Mints
[frisky in the bedroom]
Me: yeah, hurt me 😏
Her: Parks & Rec is better than The Office!
He pulled a rabbit out of his hat!
Also, a gerbil from his pants & a kitten from his coat.
The infamous “Pet Shop Burglar” had a good day.
This transition of power reminds me of when my grandma turned over Thanksgiving duties to my mom and the night ended with police showing up.
my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.
*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*
Time to seize the day.
Nurse: we need to draw some blood
Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this
I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don’t even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what’s best for me.
I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st
Kid: I don’t like cheese
Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?
Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary
My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.
After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.
Bear attack by generation:
Boomer – kill bear level forest into a mall parking lot
Gen x – climb tree build fort
Gen y – wait for helicopter Gen. x parent to fix it
Gen z – die doing bear makeover for insta
Why is my long hair now up in a messy bun today? Well I leaned down to pick up something from the floor & my cat leapt out of nowhere, claws out, grabbed my hair like a vine rope over a lake & swung from it for fun.
My kids heard, “Sorry. Life is over as you know it. May as well curl up and die.” What she said was, “Sorry, our shake machine is down.”
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.