@18_edits

Me in Heaven: damn this place nice as hell!!!

Angels: nice as what?

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@OddMarc

I’m definitely the most successful guy in this dollar store.

Oh, wait.

That guy has a tuxedo t-shirt.

I’m the second most successful guy.

@BoogTweets

Dove: Dad, what’s my name mean?

Me: It’s the symbol for love

Swallow: What about mine?

Me: Umm, true love.

@hazelmotes1

Me: my best friend is my wife

Everyone: awwww

My Best Friend Carl: FOR THE LAST TIME, I AM NOT YOUR WIFE

@rolldiggity

“I don’t know where this rumor started, but Company and I are just good friends.” -Misery

@shanethevein

I see dead people.

Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.

@originaljrod

I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.

@PaulyPeligroso

This pumpkin spice toilet paper seems unnecessary, but I’ll taste it nonetheless.

@ediblemousefeet

Wife: is that our guinea pig?

Me: yes and I’ve named her gwyn

Wife: why

Me: *whispers* gwyny pig

@SondraDeeMe

“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.