I’m definitely the most successful guy in this dollar store.
That guy has a tuxedo t-shirt.
I’m the second most successful guy.
Me in Heaven: damn this place nice as hell!!!
Angels: nice as what?
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Dove: Dad, what’s my name mean?
Me: It’s the symbol for love
Swallow: What about mine?
Me: Umm, true love.
Me: my best friend is my wife
My Best Friend Carl: FOR THE LAST TIME, I AM NOT YOUR WIFE
“I don’t know where this rumor started, but Company and I are just good friends.” -Misery
I see dead people.
Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.
I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.
This pumpkin spice toilet paper seems unnecessary, but I’ll taste it nonetheless.
Wife: is that our guinea pig?
Me: yes and I’ve named her gwyn
Me: *whispers* gwyny pig
“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.
I laughed at this way too hard.