WORKOUT GUY: Climbing stairs after leg day is the worst bro!
ME: My face hurts because I napped too hard on my face.
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[horse walks into a bar]
Bartender: Why the long face?
H: The world is spiraling down the crapper.
BT: You’re supposed to say-
H: Just pour.
Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”
I never drive behind someone with a dream catcher hanging from the rearview mirror.
DO YOU THINK YOU MIGHT FALL ASLEEP AT ANY MOMENT?!?
I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.
Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.
Me: omg I’m so tired today
Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.
I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?
I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.
There’s a lady at work named Lillian Llewellyn who carries a briefcase and I like to imagine it falling open and spilling a bunch of L’s
*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house
Imagine if you killed a shark then got reincarnated as a shark but the shark you killed was really popular & all the sharks knew it was you.
me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals
drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?
me: haha no thanks i need you to make it
[wearing World’s Best Dad shirt]
Wife: whys there blood on your shirt?
Me: its not my blood
Guy bleeding out in the yard: its not your shirt
Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.
I still remember when my 10th grade English teacher told us we were going to have a special guest FOR WEEKS and then the special guest turned out to be him in a hat.
It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
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If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for any—(bag of chips that is within reach while you binge watch that show on Netflix, even though you said you weren’t hungry and are still full from that beer, burger and potato salad you had earlier)—thing.
If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.
And I’m not saying Big Foot is real or not real or bashing anyone’s beliefs. All I can say about that is if Big Foot suddenly shows up at my house, I’m not wasting time with photos. I’d just ask if he knows anything about plumbing or electrical.
MOSES: Cool thinkpiece
GOD: It’s a list of commandments. Not everything is a thinkpiece! Jesus Christ
MOSES: Who?
GOD: Oops, sorry. Spoilers
[On my death bed]
My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?
me: my new book is fantastic
friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?
me: you can’t color it in twice
I don’t always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it’s while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.
*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”
Lawyer: You’re looking at life without parole
Client: [Breaks down crying]
Lawyer: Hey it’s ok I’ve never had a parole either