me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful.
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, she says her printer doesn’t work.
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A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.
Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.
Can’t wait for the Olympics to start so the country can be on the same side again
A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re like me and enjoy wearing jean-shorts but dislike the feeling of cold on your lower legs, check out “jeans”. They’re like jean-shorts but longer.
Me, starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit
9am: one slice of cake instead of two
Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.
I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.
That curb was easily going 30 mph when it hit my car.
[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011
Friend: hey man can you recommend a good book to prepare us for having a toddler?
Me: yeah try the Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.
Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One
Imagine the things Wile E. Coyote could have done if he’d had access to Amazon Prime Days.
2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
[bedtime]
DAUGHTER: Dad, I’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while I’m sleeping.
ME: Don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first.
DAUGHTER: …
ME: Night, sweetheart.
buys donuts instead
Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad
[at a dinner party]
Me: I saw a UFO once
Wife: It was a frisbee
Me: At the park
Wife: Frisbee
Me: I took a pic
Wife: Of a frisbee in the air
Me: *shows pic*
Friend: Looks like a…
Wife: Frisbee
The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order
I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!
The world’s oldest person has died. Now they’ll be looking for a replacement, but if you’re offered the job, turn it down. It’s highly dangerous and there are way too many fatalities.
Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster
I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves
It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.
If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.
*train conductor after 15 minutes not moving* ladies and gentlemen you wouldn’t believe the amount of buttons im looking at right now
Just got a message from my kid’s teacher that she still needs someone to sign up for plates/napkins for the Christmas party and this is a trap, right?
My God: dead.
My world: disenchanted.
My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.
Me: I wanta quit
Boss: I need a formal resignation
Me: fine. I beseech thee, kindly give me leave of this hellhole
Saw a Police Officer standing right in the middle of the road, in front of traffic, with his hand up, but when I go in for the high 5 suddenly I’m the idiot.