me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful.
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, she says her printer doesn’t work.
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GOD: I’ve created donuts
ANGEL: ooh they’re yummy but why the hole?
GOD:
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: because they are holy
GOD: because they are holy
Eleanor Rigby: Yep so I’m a church janitor
The Beatles: So you must be lonely as shit. Like that’s so sad. Man that sucks so much, for you.
Eleanor Rigby: No actually, idk where you-
The Beatles: I’m going to write a song about this
Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.
Spotify: hey, we make playlists catered to your unique tastes.
Spotify user: listens to 18 hours of Mongolian throat singing, Icelandic drumming bands and a peruvian death metal band.
Spotify: pls listen to drake
Never understood why people need bathrobes? Just take off your clothes and have a bath, then put on some clothes after the bath. Why the need for an intermediate garment? This is a moneymaking scam being propagated by Big Robe.
professor x: what’s your super power
owl: terrible memory
professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?
owl: who
20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision
DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*
Twitter has ruined me.
Just wrote “we’ll deliver your load on time” for a transportation client and broke into peals of laughter.
[commercial for college]
*person shoveling money into furnace*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?
“and who is your primary care doctor” buddy it’s 2024. are you also gonna ask me who my butler is or where I’ve parked my lamborghini, be for real
Regular gangs give you a nickname
Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name
Dad owl: I’m dying so I need you to look after things. I’m going to give you-
Son owl: Don’t say it
Dad: Power of a tawny
Son: [turns head]
“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark
I don’t hate children, just yours.
“What did I ever see in him?” – the Invisible Man’s ex
If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.
Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.
Apparently I’ve reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.
listen *drags cigarette* you don’t wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes
If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist
The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person
It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.
I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Cuz u JUST CAN’T FIGHT THIS FEELING ANYMORE?
Cop: I’VE FORGOTTEN WHAT WE STARTED FIGHTIN FOOOR
For speeding.
Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.
peppa pig implies the existence of salt pig
Me: You’re supposed to be taking a nap
4-year-old: I am
Me: Then why are you standing here?
4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: This is a dream
If you’ve committed to pulling a door handle that says push in front of people you have to rip the handle off. You can’t let a door own you.
another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car