Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

DRIVER: *turns radio off* Where to?

UNDECIDED VOTER: Don’t rush me I need to hear all the places first. Tell me every place there is please.

As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…

My kids said I don’t scare them so I just threatened to replace their phones with a set of encyclopedias and now everyone is crying.

hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-

Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”

“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”

This is my pinned tweet

Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.

My mom asked why I work out so much. I told her it’s to look good for nude laser tag season.

I’m thinking she’s never asking that again.

[sees fly]
Hmm… I think I’ll name this creature “Fly.”
[sees bird]
GODDAMMIT

She doesn’t have a Gmail account cause all her males are hot

Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.

Verizon: your online bill is ready

Me: ok. for what

“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn

when there’s an awkward silence during a date i start combing my hair with a fork like the little mermaid.

“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids

I just hid a big bag of Easter peanut butter cups in the back of the freezer. In July I’ll find them and be very pleased then convinced I have dementia.

Boss: I need you to work late.
Me: [sprays her with Pepsi]
B: You’re fired.
Me: So I don’t have to work late?
B: No.
Me: [winks at camera]

that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say

[job interview]
Last test: put ur hands on the desk & don’t move [plays ‘In The Air Tonight’]
[I begin violently shaking as drum solo nears]

Today’s meltdown brought to you by me, who wouldn’t let 4 ride his bike unless he put on underwear, at a minimum

4 asked me to play with her & I said I was making lunch & she yelled “IF YOU DONT I’LL ASK DADDY” & I was about to yell back when I realised it was a win for me so I said “ok ask daddy” but this made her suspicious so now we’re just staring at each other unsure what to do next

In the spirit of ‘Cancel Culture’ so to speak, can we just go ahead and cancel the middle school dioramas????

Im out of cotton balls. 😒

I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse

man’s car is covered in blood and tree leaves
Police officer: what’s with the blood?

Driver: I hit a lawyer

Police officer: that explains the blood, but what about the leaves?

Driver: I had to chase him through the park first

Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.

Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.

Principal: Your son is a gamer

[Parents are visibly shaken]

Principal: Oops, wrong kid. Actually yours is on drugs.

Parents: OH THANK GOD

[cleaning the garage]

ME: just sweep all the dirt and leaves into the driveway

12YO: ok which app do I use

ME: it’s a push broom, there’s no app

12YO: is it on mom’s phone

ME: no app. push. the. broom.

12YO:

ME:

12YO: so should i download it

Him: I’m leaving you

Me: is it because I constantly misquote Shakespeare?

Him: you compared me to a Summer’s Eve™…

Me: parting is such sweet and sour 🙁

Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.