me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, you need to explain how to get her printer to work
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My default excuse for cancelling plans is “poetry.” No one has ever asked me to elaborate.
a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials
Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁
Losing 😲
The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.
“I’m sorry I named my daughter ‘Paige.’ It seemed funny at the time.”
– a confession of Nat Turner
Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.
Which knight can find anything?
Sir Chengine.
Jimmy Fallon:
Squirrel guest: *tail twitching like crazy*
Jimmy Fallon: HAHAHA that’s so great
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
5, 6, 7, 8 is the LMNOP of the numbers
*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?
Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.
GUYS GUYS GUYS, I just saw this dude wearing the stupidest . . . False alarm, just a mirror.
Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
nurse: are you allergic to any medicine?
me: laughter
nurse: hahaha. OH MY GOD-
me [face swelling up]: i thold thou.
Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’
Working with older people is annoying sometimes. Sir, your lunch at my age was Gin. Why you hassling me about adding salad dressing?!
My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”
Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.
Once I ‘get’ a man, how do I keep him, you ask?
It’s simple you idiot. I add cheese to everything. He makes lasagna; I add cheese. He wants to have a pass; I throw straight cheese. He wants to discuss fundamental physics; I buy string cheese…
Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
[at bedtime]
5 yo: Leave the door open.
Me: Will that keep you awake?
5 yo: It needs to be open so the shadow people can leave.
Me: [never sleeps again]
Turns out the symptoms for “mild heart attack” are identical to those of “having a RL acquaintance make an appearance in your notifications”
teacher: sometimes i think you’re failing spelling on purpose. but what’s the angle
me: that thing with the harp and wings
teacher: never mind
wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now
‘i have been exhausted since i was 30’
~me as a 29-yr old.
long ago, the four philosophers lived together in harmony
If a cop pulls you over and walks up holding a notepad, don’t order breakfast. Apparently it’s not amusing, I’ve already tried it.
The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic
“and you are November’s PM yes?”
