Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.

Happy Mother’s Day

You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.

God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”

kids: can we get a lollipop at the bank

me: if you’re good *pulls mask down over my face*

What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?

There must’ve been a good reason Zimmerman pulled a gun on his wife. Like, maybe she was walking down the street, minding her own business.

“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.

[ opening mail ]

Her: The homeowners association made a new rule saying that we cannot display fake blood or any character from a horror film in the front yards of the neighborhood this year.

Me: What?!

Her: Guess you’ll have to do something nice using just pumpkins.

Me:

Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.

My 3YO refuses to put on her socks because she thinks the triceratops on them will bite her, which is really dumb because it’s not a meat-eater.

Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.

I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.

Them crunching noisily: These cookies you made are huge!

Me: those are chocolate chip pancakes

Of course the five second rule is in effect, have you seen grocery prices?

Just did a 30 minute mile on the treadmill. I see a white light. Nana?!

They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.

*posts Social Security number on social media*

*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*

Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense

rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born

barista: *under breath* shit

Canadians are nice because they’re close to Santa

DATING IN YOUR 20’S

“It’s not going to work out I don’t like the way he chews”

DATING IN YOUR 30’S

“It wasn’t even a felony and he was never convicted. Also living at home makes sense bc it allows him to be close to his mom & it’s walking distance to the Pizza Hut he works at”

this lady on tiktok shared that her daughter was getting bullied at school so she set up a meeting with the bully’s parents and the bully. the bully’s mum was rude so she beat up the mum and told the kid “i’ll beat up your mum every day until you stop touching my child.” 😭😭😭

You were the one.

Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.

*gets crushed by a bus*

*checks to see if phone is intact*

Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.

Joseph: we have to walk to bethlehem for a census thing

Mary, 9 months pregnant: i’m sorry what

Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.

How high was Pac-Man tryin to eat ghosts? bruh

Instead of onlyfans I spend all my money on onlyfood