Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)

I can’t remember where I parked my car an hour ago but I can recall how stupid I was at 20. Please God erase that memory & bring back my car

Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before

Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs

Them: you smell so good what is that?

Me: bleach

Undertaker: “What do you want your husbands gravestone to say?”
Wife: “Nothing. I want a traditional, non-talking one.”

*watches soccer*

*watches soccer*

*watches soccer*

*watches soccer*

*has to pee*

*watches soccer*

*gets up to pee*

*misses goal*

:/

My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.

So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”

Not having a sex life has saved me a lot of money on razors.

Never heard of the diseases mani and pedi, but she says she needs a cure for them.

Me *dying* no, no, no, I can’t join the afterlife with these on

[Later]
Wife: What the hell is that noise?
Son: I think that ghost is wearing flip flops

Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.

*I reach for the thermostat*
*my dad runs in barking*
*neighbor’s dad starts barking*
*within seconds all the neighborhood dads are barking*

LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.

WAITER: Ready to order?

ME: First, I’d like to hear the chef’s special

WAITER: Oh yes he’s very special

[chef in background sheds a tear]

Me: Bed time
Hotel room: Good luck turning the lights off
Me: Easy. This one
Hotel: No. Bed light
Me: This one?
Hotel: Desk light
Me: This one?
Hotel: LOL You just turned on the curtain lights
Me: WTF? And that light in the wardrobe?
Hotel: 2400lux stadium lighting
Alarm: wake up

Uber is driving me to drink. Literally.

My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.

To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.

In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.

I don’t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.

When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years

Me: I’ve decided to be a mermaid so I can sing and swim all day and have a coconut phone

Him: But, you hate coconut?

Me. Why the hell would I eat my coconut phone? Ugh. It’s like you don’t even understand reality.

Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.

[court]
LAWYER: Did u kill him?
ME: No
L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?
ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder

I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.

They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.

“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating

It’s so funny that people directly compare Dune and Furiosa when all that they have in common is that there’s sand

Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”