Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: what is my final challenge

*dragon appears*

Me: oh no

Dragon: spell necessary

Me: OH NO

🤣✨#caturday

By 35 you should have returned to your childhood home to discover the ancient evil you and your friends thought you’d defeated when you were all 12 has risen again, say retirement experts.

don’t let me drive if ur gonna scream every time we almost die 🙄

Texas principal: If that’s a homemade clock and not a bomb, what time is it?

Muslim student: Time for a lawsuit.

Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.

Anyway, congrats on your engagement!

(telling a ghost story)
You know those knocking noises you hear at night? That’s adulthood coming for you!

*all the adults start screaming*

has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade

*suddenly pulls away from kissing* BUT WHERE DOES THE STORK GET THE BABY FROM?!?

I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow

Ok, but have you ever been stuck in a sports bra, and the only person around to help you was your teenage son, so you just lived as a sweaty pretzel for an entire day?

Pro Tip for the ladies. Ask him to show you where the “jack thingy” is at in the trunk and when he shows you..

That’s when you push him in.

The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?

[at specialist office]

Service desk: witch doctor are you here to see?

Me: I’m here for…did you just say witch doctor?

SD: no

M: you sure?

SD: *shakes skeleton head maracas behind desk* no

My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.

Don’t date men who will hold open a door for you. Date men who will punch a squirrel in the face for chittering it’s teeth at you.

If I ever die on some hill, rest assured, something fishy is going on.

{Goes to buy Virgin Airlines ticket}
“Can I buy one even if I’ve done sex?”
Um. Yes sir
“Cause I have”
Okay
“I’ve done all of it”
Please go

DEMON POSSESSING ME: Don’t try and fight. You can’t win.

ME: No problemo.

DEMON: But… I’m controlling your body.

ME: Awesome-possum, thank you so much. I’mma grab a quick snooze, and you just wake me when you need a break.

Psychiatrist: “Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds.”

Me: “So how does that make you feel?”

If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.

[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all

The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.

Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples

What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?

After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.

Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.

Optimism? Sure, it’s worth a try. I don’t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.

“How’d that happen, Bill?”
“I don’t know.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I’m just stumped.”