me in high school: oh my god I missed two hairs on my legs, I am an abomination
me today: the bug spray has lemongrass and peppermint in it so it doubles as perfume
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My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.
Every time I take out a sleeve of saltines, my dog suddenly awakens from her deep sleep and I gotta show her one so she can be like “oh yeah lol fuck that” and go right back to sleep
I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.
4, crawling into bed with me at 3am: mommy? i had a nightmare
me: me too. what was yours?
4: ghosts were chasing me. what was yours?
me: that I didn’t have kids and I could get a full night’s sleep
4: you know nightmares aren’t real?
me: yeah, I do
Why use words you don’t understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.
Nah man don’t buy AirPods. You need the Sony WH-1000XM5-WHCH720N-WF1000XM5-CH520
What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.
Teens – Slay all day
20s – Rosé all day
30s – Bidet all day
40s – Bengay all day
Shallow zombies are like “looooooooks”
*on death bed*
priest: any regrets my child?
*montage of every time i saw a large dog and didn’t try to ride it*
me: uhhhhh
Me: I got really cranky with Alexa this morning because she wouldn’t respond to any of my queries.
Wife: What? Why?
Me: I was calling her Siri.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I’m naming our next kid.
I love how girls say that they like a guy with a sense of humour and yet you’ll never find a poster of Mr Bean on their wall.
A really good magician could be living in your house and you would never know.
I went to get fingerprinted for my new job, and in hindsight I probably shouldn’t have been so enthusiastic when the tech asked “Have you ever been fingerprinted before?” And my reply was “Oh yeah, for SURE.”
I think jerks misbehave on airplanes because they think they can’t be thrown out of an airplane like they routinely get thrown out of bars. The obvious solution is to, at least once a month, throw some jerk out of the airplane.
I made quiche, like a real grown-up. I feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway when he makes fire… I HAVE MADE QUICHE!
[family dinner]
my mother: when are you going to settle down and give me grandchildren
me: [pulling a duckling from my pocket] i’ve introduced you to gregory and you refuse to acknowledge him.
Like a shark smelling blood in the water, my toddler can also smell when I am eating my secret stash of cookies.
*drinks beer from my glass slipper*
You’ve heard of Elf on a Shelf but…
People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.
Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.
If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again
Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.
The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.
They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.
Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?
Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?