Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I only carry an old Spencer’s gift card in my wallet because I think it would be funny to get mugged and say “I hope you like lava lamps”

my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking

like last october and the one before that gotta go to human resources for talking in dracula

1920’s: Women were fighting for equality and the poor were suffering while the rich prospered at their expense.

2020’s: Women are fighting for equality and the poor are suffering while the rich prosper at their expense but we have the Internet now.

LEGOLAS: You have my bow.
GIMLI: And my ax.
[Everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
ME: You can have a SMALL bite.

I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.

My 5-year-old is learning about exercise & endurance, but he keeps saying insurance. Yesterday, he asked me if you need good insurance when you run. I told him at my age, you had better.

you’re opening a chip bag and it goes great except for a tiny tear and it seems fine but then the rip starts to get bigger and you’re worried you won’t be able to seal the bag and it keeps going and the entire bag is split open and it continues until the earth fully bifurcates

(Someone finally shuts off a car alarm)
Philip Glass: (sticks head out of apartment window above) HEY I WAS LISTENING TO THAT

My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.

*Creates Animals*

God: They’re magnificent.

Angel: Some of ur best work.

Man: Which ones go on pizza?

I just locked eyes with a spider.

But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.

[In a warehouse]
Murderer: I’m gonna get you!

Me: *echoing from hidden location* Hi, “gonna get you”, I’m Dad!

Murderer: What the… where are you?

Me: Did you look under there?

Murderer: Under whe-Hey!

Me: *whispering* Super lame murderer says What.

Murder: What- Damn it!

[emergency]

[super hero appears]

GUY: It’s Doesn’t-Understand-Rhetorical-Questions Man. Boy, am I glad to see you!

HERO: I…I don’t know

I bought a pair of underwear today.

In the front it says ‘I would do anything for love’.

In the back, ‘But I won’t do that’.

Mom: Hey, suddenly I can see your posts on Twitter now.

Me: Yeah, wow, that was so weird before when you couldn’t.

23. the denim jacket

I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.

You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.

me: I believe it was Meatloaf who said two out of three ain’t bad

wife: YOU LEFT ONE OF OUR KIDS AT THE GROCERY STORE

Date: “You’re very tall! Do you play basketball?”

Me: “You’re very fat. Are you a sumo wrestler?”

Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.

My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now

Happy #NationalCrocDay to all the lovers and haters.

when serial killers go for a run do they take the psycho path

Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.

I was thinking earlier that what I really need is someone who will ask me a few times a day if I’m hungry and if I am will just fix me food and make me eat it and then I realized I just invented moms

“You say you like intelligent men? Then look no further! Line forms to the….”

*Checks soles of both my shoes*

“….left, ladies.”

Me: I don’t know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture

[later]

Date: hi
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt

Me: Ok kids, vacation time!!

Kids: Yay!

M: See you in a week!
*slams door*

Kids: …

1: Can I do the cancan?

2: You mean may, not can

1: Can I do the canmay?

2: No, the first can

1: Can I do the maycan?

2: No. May I do the cancan

1: No