me in high school: oh my god I missed two hairs on my legs, I am an abomination
me today: the bug spray has lemongrass and peppermint in it so it doubles as perfume
You Might Also Like
Can we please be straight here- when you hit the wrong key by accident, that is a typo. When you can’t spell the word, that is NOT a typo.
Instesd of avoiding typos, embrance them. No one will pint them out if you spell everythinj wring.
Doctor: I’m afraid we will have to remove part of your colon.
Me: So I’m gonna be a semicolon? LOL
Doctor:
First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no
[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click
purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?
Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.
Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”
“What kind of dog is this?”
“Well actu..”
“Hes cute”
*pets it*
“Sir thats my..”
*picks it up*
“Your a good dog arent you?”
“PUT MY SON DOWN”
Nope, that’s a tampon. Another tampon. Tampon. Jesus, how many tampons do I have in here?!
-me trying to blindly grab the chapstick in my purse
The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.
Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.
Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.
One of the moms at school pickup always yells “hi, chicken nugget” to her kid, and that’s a level of parental embarrassment I can only aspire to
Her: what are you thinking about?
Me, thinking about the time I was drunk and chased a pig around the petting zoo: how much I love you
My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?
Wanted to respond with “Perfect!” but accidentally sent “Pervert!”
That’s my cue to leave. And sorry, Steve, you’re probably not a pervert.
Get your shit together, people at McDonald’s drive thru who sit there all confused like the menu hasn’t been the same for the last 50 years
Net flips and krill?
– killer whale text
Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks
Me, 45: Looks like a million hams
I never read Clifford the Big Red Dog, the title gives too much away.
Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.
me: i’d love* to go to your neighborhood block** party, Carol, sign me up***
*hate
**gossip
***i’d rather eat worms
ME: And this is my daughter.
HIM: Aww, she’s adorable. Did you name her after the movie?
ME: *Holding my daughter, Air Bud: Golden Receiver* What movie?
My friend told his gf he’s giving up valentines day for lent… I know what’s coming so I told him that i’m giving up letting friends sleep on my couch
Me: so I’ve been a little unclear regarding everything you’ve asked me to do since Monday
Boss: Jesus
Me: let me finish. In February. 2011.
Car commercials are always showing the cars driving like it’s supposed to impress me but I already know they can do that
those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.