Me in high school: WHY AM I SPENDING AN HOUR A DAY LEARNING ABOUT A SUBJECT THAT WON’T HELP ME IN REAL LIFE?
Me now: Oh boy a new episode of my podcast about dolphin social hierarchies
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[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]
Kids: Dad, what IS this place?
Me: I have absolutely no idea
You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
“yes I’m very good in bed”
*folds blanket and neatly props up pillow*
*pillow falls over*
“Oh no, this doesn’t normally happen I swear”
Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.
I’m in pretty decent shape for a dude who was in a serious car accident and spent the last six weeks recovering in a hospital bed. That didn’t happen to me–it’s just a good yardstick for the kind of shape I’m in.
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t make weird noises in my cubicle
Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them
Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.
Kids today will tell you how they hate tomatoes while eating chips and salsa.
If a person checks their watch while you’re talking, it’s probably because they’re timing you and this is a competition. Keep talking. It’s win-time baby. You got this.
“Excuse me, but the sign says ‘No shirt, no shoes, no service.’ It doesn’t say a goddamn thing about no pants.”
– Me, drunk at Target
Movie idea:
A slasher film that ends with the heroine gloating as she hands the killer over to the cops, but then she realizes her car is parked over in the same direction. They all have to walk together and make small talk and it’s super awkward.
Sawing a hole under the bottom of a table to steal a cooked ham is way harder than it looks like in cartoons.
I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.
When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.
The downfall of society can be traced to when they stopped counting ketchup as a vegetable in school lunches.
me: anything interesting happen today?
my 8yo: I finally got a booger out of my nose that’s been there since I was 5.
Hey everybody, I just finished the 30 day yoga challenge and it was easier than I expected. In fact, I bet I could go another 30 days without doing yoga.
Someone hire this dog for the next Oceans movie
Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.
Stand up. Yell, “I OBJECT!” Moonwalk past the bailiff out the side door, finger guns ablaze. PEW PEW PEW!
WIFE: Please stop.
ME: Stop what?
WIFE: Singing in the shower.
ME: What’s the big deal?
WIFE: You’re scaring everyone at Home Depot.
Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.
Me: one mcflurry please
Cashier: the machine is down
Me: awe then one for the machine too
There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.
Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.
There’s something about Dracula I just don’t trust
My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.
