Me in high school: WHY AM I SPENDING AN HOUR A DAY LEARNING ABOUT A SUBJECT THAT WON’T HELP ME IN REAL LIFE?
Me now: Oh boy a new episode of my podcast about dolphin social hierarchies
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[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘golfed’
“May I have it in a sentence please?”
Sure. He golfed with a tee.
“G-O-L-F-T”
there are five seasons: reese’s pumpkin season, reese’s christmas tree season, reese’s heart season, reese’s egg season, and the long loneliness
Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*
Them: Bill, how are you doing?
Me: Last night I shaved my left leg and named it Delores. How do you think I’m doing?
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
(Bar)
Him-Are you seeing anyone?Me-Oh yes.
[I wink at the weird clown that resides on the very edge of my peripheral vision at all times]
You’re telling me I’m paying nyc rent prices just to be on the same tectonic plate as Philly and Boston? I’m feeling sick
Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real
If you didn’t want a doll made entirely out of my hair then maybe you shouldn’t have liked my selfie
*Throws caution to the wind*
*gets covered in caution*
Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better… or worse? Better… or worse?
I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
If happiness is a moving target and I’ve been chasing it all my life, why am I fat?
How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?
*jogging*
Me: *out of breath* go on I’ll catch up
Him: *turns around to see me eating a can of cherry pie filling*
I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.
My son asked what it was like to be a parent so I begged him to make me chicken nuggets and then held on to his leg so he couldn’t move.
In all seriousness I’ve had babies in my audience before and it is genuinely a nightmare. They don’t get any of your school material and they can’t give you a standing ovation. Pathetic.
Me: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender!
Date: Haha because you say something and he says it back to you
Me: He’s murdered 7 people
Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date
tennis balls are the only sports equipment we trust to the public. if you see a guy walking down the street with a football helmet or a 7 iron that’s suspicious as hell
If elves make shoes, cookies and toys, why don’t we put them in charge of more stuff
“Can I be honest with you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t know me at all do you?”
Me: we’ve got to get this teenager out of the house
Her: great, you can teach him to drive
Me: *googling “affordable college no high school diploma”*
I need more disguises so Costco doesn’t know I’m eating there for free every day.
[showing my chiropractor the scene where the robot stretches Mr. Incredible and fixes his back]: This. I want this.
I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.
My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.