Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*in an interview*

Me: Tell me a time when you really struggled in your previous job.

Applicant: 5-7PM po.

Me:

Applicant: 8PM.

Me:

Apparently my son “looks like daddy” when he’s wearing half of his food

[first day as a spy]

Wife: what’s your bosses name?
Me: I can’t tell you that
Wife: why?
Me: because I don’t remember, Linda

All cars should have a robot hand built into the driver’s seat headrest. If you don’t use your turn signal, it flicks you in the ear for the rest of the trip.

Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder

Was going to do some writing on the porch but there’s a woman across the street lambasting her bf for cheating.

So now I’m just going to sit on the porch.

1,000 years after civilization falls alien archeologists will discover a single cell from the animating of sponge bob and assume that’s what life was like. So we have that going for us

[shady nighttime meeting at the aquarium]
AQUARIUM EMPLOYEE: eels are already pretty slippery man
ME: shut up and help me butter them

Her: How do you do it w/ 4 kids?
Hubs: With the door locked.
Me: She means how do we manage…but yeah.

If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv

Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.

[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine

[family feud]

Steve Harvey: Top 5 answers on the board, name a place you would plant evidence…

Me: *buzzes first* EVIDENCE GARDEN

Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.

It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.

I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder

[first day at seminary]

PRIEST: today we’ll be discussing judeo christian practices

ME: when do we learn kicks and takedowns

PRIEST: *rubs bridge of nose*

caveman inventor: i just invented the wheel
caveman opinion writer: here’s how the wheel is a bad idea for mankind

Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.

Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping

Why do they put Valentines Day candy in a box shaped like a heart? It’s kind of like eating ice cream out of a lung…

A tanning bed that turns you over like a rotisserie chicken.

Where are you going, sharks? I’m not done.

I would totally do this if I had any desire to grow ghost peppers.

my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her

Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now

I almost slept through the whole thing
*best day ever*

French fries are like the lifeboats on the Titanic. They never give you enough.

The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.

Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH

a woman in front of me in line for the olivia rodrigo concert turned and asked me, “is it bad i came alone?” i told her that i was alone too and she immediately clarified: “i’m actually meeting my husband and my daughter who are here already. but wowwww, good on you!”