Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.

“Aimee, could you please mute your phone?”

(me on a conference call making roaring noises while I play with my plastic pterodactyl)

She was rare. Like a rap collab in a pop song that made sense.

Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.

When I die I want a memorial bench with a plaque that simply says ‘WET PAINT’ because I don’t want people sitting on my bench.

I remember the first time I saw a universal remote control. I thought to myself, “Wow this changes everything.”

me: [trying to cheat in an exam]

teacher: I’m married

I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.

Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.

Ninety-five percent of my new follows are beautiful Russian women, which tells me one thing. I’ve still got it!

Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?

Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does

That’s why I think of running everyday

[When water has one thing in it]
SOCIETY: That’s gross you have to throw it out.

[When water has many things in it]
SOCIETY: That’s soup it’s food now.

The internet is cool because you can make a joke about cannibalism being bad and someone will respond with, “Actually, it’s racist NOT to eat people.” And you’re 95% sure he’s just the dumbest person alive but you still have to google for 20 minutes to make sure you’re not racist

5 told me she can’t help me clean up her toys because she’s tired from all the work she does in kindergarten. When I asked her what she meant by work, she said “ugh they’re always making us write our names”.

When I can’t barge, I careen.

The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.

every TV pilot:

“Hey man! How long’s it been, 13 years? I haven’t seen you since you got kicked off the force under dubious circumstances. Are you still haunted by the death of your wife?”

My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.

Proud of my teen for keeping a straight face when she told her friend I’m 25. That friend’s gonna have some questions, but that’s what she gets for asking my age.

Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?

I’m guessing the apple from the Apple logo tasted like shit.

Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over

Every atom in your body is born in a star, traveled millions of light years, & through an amazing process became you. & you watch Teen Mom.

Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.

I run my house like a well oiled machine; specifically a runaway train

If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader

Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.

The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.