Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ok but legally you have to tell me if you’re a meth lab

Worst part of a bottomless pit isn’t the plunge, it’s the endless polite small talk you have to make with the guy falling next to you

I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.

She complained to me that she found her boyfriend’s picture on a dating sight then got mad at me for asking why she was on the site. I should never answer my phone pre coffee.

Yes, air conditioning, I’ll marry you. Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!

[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate

My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.

Wife: Please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny

[Later]

Them: So how did you two meet?

Me: I did NOT buy her on eBay

Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me

Hey, boy. Are you a Swiss army knife?

Because you’re a smaller, less effective version of everything I need.

Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.

“Yeah, those black pants are okay. They just need a little something. Hang on..”

[rubs up against your leg] “that’s better”

-cats

I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.

listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth

The Windows weather app shows moon rise and set times. Who is this information for? Werewolves?

employee: over 100 ppl were killed by the dinosaurs again
CEO: my God
[10yrs later]
CEO: what if we made a dinosaur theme park again lmao

booking flights on a phone is crazy. that is a laptop activity

Sat through a horrible job interview for an hour then the guy was like “btw, this only pays 30k so if you’re looking for a job that pays better, look elsewhere” so I said “ok I will” then he was like “?? wait no” lmao this was hours ago and I still feel incredible

When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.

new york is like a toxic boyfriend, all winter you’re like why does he treat me this way and then spring hits and you’re like wow he loves me so so much

[date]
HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes
ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato

Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.

FUN GAME: when someone tells you the name of their new baby, repeat it back to them, with their surname, and say “Like the murderer?!”

accurate

Whoa… oh I see lol

(god creating crows) black. blacker! little beady eyes. deathly squawk
angel: what if there’s a bunch of them
god: MURDER
angel: you ok pal?

I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.

If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.

one time in med school a doctor I was working with said he would only learn my name if I got all of his anatomy questions correct (???)

so I said I would only learn his name if he got all of my pokemon questions correct