Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”

“comparison is the thief of joy” well sure if you’re a loser

I visited my doctor today.

He told me my sugar was too high.

So I came home & moved it to a lower shelf

ME: stay away from the cat

MY DOG: perhaps this time will be
d i f f e r e n t

ME: ur gonna get scratched again

MY DOG: [approaching cat anyway] brøther. brøther i crave the ꜰᴏʀʙɪᴅᴅᴇɴ ᴄᴜᴅᴅʟᴇꜱ.

You would think that after 8 years of yelling at her dog, my neighbour would have learned that the dog doesn’t understand English. Try Spanish, you imbecile.

only targaryens can ride dragons?

explain this game of thrones

BARISTA: Would you like to try our new special Peruvian blend? It’s sm-

ME: I’m just trying to stay awake and not punch anyone.

I don’t own any guns, so I use a bat for home defense. If I die, at least my intruder will die from rabies.

A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.

[ robbing grocery store ]

me: put the money in the bag

her: paper or plastic

Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?

Wife: get a babysitter.

Dunno why mobsters are always threatening this. It looks lovely.

You won’t believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just…stopped. Scary, huh?

I’m being forced to attend a family dinner tonight at a priest’s house…

There’s no such thing as a surprise exorcism, right?

Child: [misbehaving]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Child: Dad I’m 19.

People outside of NYC: TERRORISM!!!!!
New Yorkers: Dude’s a loser with a crappy bomb who’s crowning life achievement is making my train 36 minutes late.

Me: Stop fighting this minute!! ONE…

Kids: *fighting*

Me: TWO…

Kids: *still fighting*

Me (sweating): TWO AND A HALF

Kids: *brawling at this point*

Me: ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ *texting* mom I need help what happens if you get to three

I’m fairly certain my dogs would run away and hide if I’m ever attacked by a leaf.

Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!

everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no

I think I was a horrible mom, bc when my kids refused to put on their shoes before school, they just went without shoes. I also might have laughed when I watched them get escorted to the office… while I stood there with a bag of shoes.

Worst perfume name ever.

[Job Interview]
“It says here under skills, that you can eat rice?”

*Eats rice with chop sticks*

“Holy shit! When can you start?!”

THERAPIST: your problem is, that youre perfect, and everyone is jealous of your good posts, and that makes you rightfully upset.
ME: I agree

Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.

Then it dawned on me.

The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.

my kids are suddenly asking why the leprechaun didn’t bring them anything or cause any chaos in our house and apparently me yelling “we aren’t Irish!!” isn’t a good enough explanation?

I spend so much time and resources making stand up clips and then my gf was like do this TikTok trend and now it has more views than my last 14 videos combined

Indie bands are always like “we recorded this album at an abandoned spaghetti factory in Providence, Rhode Island.” Why? Why’d you do that? There are recording studios with couches and electricity

Ladies,

Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.

Men