Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.

I might carry a baby with one hand.

I believe in serving my children a variety of foods that they won’t eat.

Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor

I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab

I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”

You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.

“Can you describe your self in two words?”

– Lazy.

I’m like a candle: I’m cute, I smell nice, and there’s a pretty good chance I’ll set your curtains on fire if left unattended.

Ikea is like the Hotel California of furniture stores

Her: baby I’m so wet

Aqua-Man: *looks around* are you joking right now

Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.

This is your brain-
*holds out egg*

This is your brain on drugs-
*puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*

friend: don’t look but that girl is checking you out

me: [turning around] who

Medusa: hey

friend: I said don’t look

statue:

It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.

The pinnacle of parenthood is when you switch to Chuao Chocolatier Spicy Maya Dark Chocolate Bars, because you know the kids won’t touch them.

Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.

My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.

*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*

Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?

We cut open the cake at the gender reveal party and out spill thousands of fire ants. The guests howl. FIRE ANTS ARE MOSTLY MALE, I explain

Me: I like to tweet the same way I dance
Friend: like a big dork?
Me: well I meant like nobody’s watching, but that works too I guess

Guy doing yoga
Me: Poser!

Of course I look tired, it’s hard pretending to be awake.

Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.

Checks for abs
Finds an M&M

This is my first Apocalypse, I don’t know what to wear.

I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.

Me: *finally asleep*

Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!

I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.