Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
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Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.
Free cake in the break room and these people turn into cheetahs on a gazelle.
I think Pam from Accounting died.
She wasn’t strong enough.
I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.
me: I’m in a terrible mood
friend: try drinking some water
me: how dare you my emotions are real and can’t be placated
[immediately after drinking water]
me: okay obviously the water didn’t do anything but I think while drinking I took time to reflect and feel better
My son just lectured his brother because he couldn’t find his phone like I didn’t just find his glasses in 2 minutes after he claimed they were lost forever.
Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.
Me as a detective:
[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]
[evidence catches on fire]
no no no no
All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall
Lean in
And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’
[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
I drink coffee because I don’t think I would do well going to prison for murder.
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this
MY KID: I’m ready to go I just need to get my shoes on
ME: *visibly ages*
Denied candy because I “didn’t wear red”. Kicked out of the office because I “didn’t wear pants”. I’m tired of these Valentine’s Day rules.
[cat clinic]
DR. CAT: What seems to be the problem?
CAT: Me-ow
DR. CAT: You need to be more specific
My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.
If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.
Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.
Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
[first day in hell]
Me: Ugh, it’s humid here.
Satan: Muahaha!
Me: The air…it’s moist.
Satan: Ok wait. You gotta stop saying that word.
Me: The heat AND the humidity make everything feel so moist.
Satan, rubbing temples:
This IS hell.
It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl’s “I haven’t finished but I know you’re about to, so I’ll try to be supportive” moan.
When someone tells me that no parenting technique works for every child, I remind them of the 7 Cs: Connection, Compassion, Communication, Chocolate, sCreen time, and Covering your ear holes with Cotton balls.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
Dudes who take one picture in a suit then start posting about success, just go to the wedding bro.
Me: Just call me loaded fries!
Friend: Haha I get it, because you’re hot and tasty right? 😉
Me: *quickly wiping grease off of myself* …sure.
According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.
10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?
Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]
I think I’m going to Bangladesh.
Ladesh: I have a boyfriend.
[tattoo parlor]
“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?”
“You said you wanted something that said that life is all about taking-“
“Wisks!”
“Right. That’s why I-”
“I’m weally disappointed.”
The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room