Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[on Shark Tank]

me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”

Beer enthusiasts should have an OnlyCans.

If you’re dying, and have recently lost your car keys, take the opportunity, as your life flashes before your eyes, to try to spot them!

Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.

if you went to a thousand costume parties you would never see anything greater than this

If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart

[first day as an undercover cop]

mobster: are you wearing a wire

guy in my earpiece: say no

me: they said to tell you no

It’s 2015. I can’t believe we’re still referring to a dress as colored.

Medusa: ok so I’ve decided I want bangs

hair stylist: *visibly pales

problems i need

I borrowed $500 from a co-worker then paid a homeless guy $8 to kill him in a McDonald’s bathroom. I’m up $405 or whatever.

i too will be having a baby outside of dave grohl’s marriage. you don’t see me making it a whole thing

I need to hide the teen’s birthday present where he’ll never find it so I’m thinking behind the vacuum cleaner will be perfect.

“Who am I?” she beckoned the stars.

Stars: We’ve gone over this a million times. You are a geisha caveman.

[in hospital]
son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy

Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”

spent 20 minutes training ChatGPT to write the perfect anniversary note for my wife so don’t try to tell me I’m not romantic

My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone

BANK TELLER: you’re an awful robber

ME: i’m not sure how to take that

BANK TELLER: exactly

Sci-fi is when Wonder Woman fights villains from outer space, fantasy is thinking Wonder Woman will go on a date with you.

I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano

The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.

The urge to throw a coconut at someone.

Of course the five second rule is in effect, have you seen grocery prices?

Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?

Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.

I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven

the best part about being a parent is explaining normal human behaviours to the small feral people, my favourite of which has been “we don’t pee our pants on purpose when we are mad”

Mermaids: Can’t live with them, can’t beat them in a potato sack race.

[first day as a jedi knight]
*accidentally runs light saber thru the washer and dryer*

[playing the board game Guess Who]

Me: Is your person handsome?

5-year-old: No, they look like you.