Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
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I’d love for someone to play with my hair & tell me I’m pretty but his hand would get tangled in my hair and things would get weird… Fast.
I may look calm but on the inside I’m 28 over-caffeinated panic attacks in a trench coat
[buying a USB cord at Best Buy]
that’ll be $29.99
[buying a USB cord off Amazon]
here, take 5 cords for $4.99 and I’ll throw in a free horse
Laundry:
Washing = 45 minutes
Drying = 60 minutes
Folding = 7 to 10 business days
Just once, I’d like to see an honest Facebook status, like “happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!”
Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.
I like to establish dominance by asking the cop, “know why I pulled you over?” first.
Long story short, I need bail money.
911, what’s your emergency?
Me (whispering): I’m holding a bagel in my right hand
Are you left handed?
No but I couldn’t use my right thumbprint to unlock my iPhone so I used the emergency button
Okay but why are you whispering?
I don’t want the killer to know I have a bagel
[coffee shop]
BARISTA: may i help you?
GUY WHO DEFINITELY LOOKS LIKE A SWARM OF BUTTERLIES IN A TRENCH COAT: you’re out of sugar water
{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?
Imagine if Trump becomes President and we are invaded by aliens.
Alien: Take us to your leader.
America: *Looks ashamed* Are you sure?
Body by sandwich.
I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco
Them: “can you just be cool for like once, maybe?”
Me: *whips a kazoo out from my pocket protector* “say no more my friend… say no more”
Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
[marital relations]
My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
ME: *opens car door for date like a gentleman*
DATE: *running and out of breath* PLEASE STOP THE CAR
Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread
Mike: Mom! We’re out of burrito paper!
Mom: Dammit Mike, they’re tortillas. You’re twenty six.
THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.
ME: What’s the grass situation?
women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister
People need to learn how to record their name on a voicemail system.
“You have one new voicemail from… *heavy breathing* Toooooooddddd”
Absolutely no one
Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….
My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭
Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians
Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI’s.
“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.
