Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
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I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.
Boyfriend: isn’t this romantic watching the sunset?
Me: ugh, no. I’ve seen this one before
That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about two kids who break into an old lady’s house, steal her stuff, and murder her.
H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.
M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same
Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst
Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.
Me, walking out of a store: *wow all these dudes are staring at ME? A middle aged mom? Ok. Yeah. Sure. I mean I guess I’m still hot maybe, ok yeah good for me*
Me, an hour later: *ok so I tucked my dress into my underwear a few hours ago I see that now NEVERTHELESS*
The opposite of goth is stopth.
Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.
My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”
LOIS LANE: here i got you these contacts so you don’t have to wear glasses anymore
CLARK KENT: *nervous sweating*
A person on this website accused me of writing “a thousand bad jokes” and I was like wow that’s a weird way to say you like 7000 of my jokes
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching two real estate agents trying to eat a pigeon?
*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*
My doctor wants me to take a stress test.
I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.
Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.
Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.
I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can’t do both.
No thanks, fantasy football. I already have a fantasy boyfriend, a fantasy sex life & a fantasy bank account.
I’m good.
Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police
Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.
I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.
Some women complain that their husbands aren’t observant, not me. I’ve been wearing a new ruby ring (that my husband doesn’t know he bought me) for 3 days now and I’m thrilled he hasn’t noticed.
Watson: “Holmes, why are you wrapped in a thin aluminium sheet?”
Holmes: “DAMMIT, FOILED AGAIN!”
Me: Sometimes I cannot think of anything to say.
She: And yet you don’t shut up.
People of my generation are always saying that they are shocked how little role quicksand plays in their lives, but I gotta tell you, knowing the difference between a stalagmite and a stalactite has not proved to be as critical as I expected either.
When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.