Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

<door bell>

Zombie wife: Is that Bob?

Zombie husband: *looks thru peep hole* Not sure, but he’s a dead ringer.

I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’

Sometimes 6 is smart like her mom and other times she gets her head stuck in the footboard of her bed when she’s supposed to be sleeping.

Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.

Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.

grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk

Me: Alexa, make me a drink.

Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.

GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.

[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.

(team meeting)

boss: i’ve always had a no nonsense, take no prisoners approach to…excuse me but what’s with all the looks of disdain?

me: what? oh yeah…since we dropped the mask mandate, it’s difficult to remember that my face isn’t covered.

boss:

People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old

me: i wrote you a song, it’s called ‘rudolph the red nose reindeer’
rudolph: it better not be about my nose
me:
rudolph: sing the song keith

When you’re on the couch being all comfy, snuggled under a blanket, a glass of wine on your left, a bag of chips on your right, the cat is sleeping on your lap, and you realize you forgot to put the remote within reach.

That’s the moment you wish you had kids.

She: I think our sex would be off the charts!
Me: You have sex charts?

I’m taking myself to the movies this afternoon. I’ll probably hold my own hand and flirt with myself too.
“No please, let me buy the m&m’s. You’re so thin.”

My 6yo announced from the bathroom that he has good news and bad news, how scared should I be

Whenever I start feeling mom guilt for letting my kids watch tv, I put it in Spanish. Now my kids are getting Spanish lessons

I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.

Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.

hungover at 22: dag gonna be 9 minutes late for work
at 39: …finally, to my faithful cat elroy i leave my cache of nagano ’98 olympic pins

Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you

[6:00pm] i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight

[11:00pm] yay i did it!

[11:01pm] *preheats oven*

Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.

My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.

I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.

[Rumpelstiltskin comes to take first born son]

“Give me what you promised unless you can guess my name”

Here

“Aren’t you going to guess?”

CHILD: *breathes*
PERSON: You need to keep your child under control, they should be still, quiet, unhappy and oppressed like an adult at all times!

PUPPY: *bites persons face off and pees on them*
PERSON: Don’t you dare apologize, he’s a puppy! He’s still learning!

ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]

WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?

lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞

I’ve just completed a cohort study that confirms people can go longer without sex if they have an adequate supply of chocolate and peanut butter

I call it my Reese’s Thesis