Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
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I love how I can spend all day unabashedly getting naked and intimate with strangers but then wait until it’s dark outside to put my garbage on the curb because I do not want to be observed by people
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks
My 3-yr-old just yelled, “Daddy I had a booger on my finger and I lost it but I lost it in my mouth!”
My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.
I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me
Sure reading a book under a tree is peaceful but imagine how stressful it is for the tree to see a bunch of it’s dead friends in your hand.
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
My husband bought a steamer because I don’t iron. I wonder how long it’s going to take him to figure out that I don’t steam?
My wife refuses to hire a housekeeper bc *checks notes* she doesn’t want them to see this mess.
You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.
I really relate to the people in commercials who “didn’t know that.”
anyone: here let me pay you for that thing you did for me
me: NO ABSOLUTELY NOT I FORBID IT. HONESTLY IT WAS MY PLEASURE. SO HAPPY TO HELP
also me: why don’t I ever have any money :,(((
Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.
So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.
Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes
This gum has my stomach convinced food is coming.
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.
ME: I wish dogs could talk but they all have Scottish accents lol
GENIE: Umm, alright then, second wish?
ME: I wish cats could talk but they all have Italian accents lmao
G: Most people wish for world peace or money
ME: I wish you weren’t so judgemental
G: Wow Max great work
Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.
Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.
[last supper]
jesus: from now on it’s called dinner
The guys who measure out the granite so it fits nicely in your kitchen were prob mad when they found out the term counterfeiters was taken
[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]
I must have been a raccoon in a former life. I started out cute and cuddly but the older I get the hairier and crazier I get.
Now I have a garbage pallet and I’ll probably hiss at you for touching my snacks.
I still like to cuddle though.
Teach your children to beatbox
*6 opens piggy bank*
Me: wtf where’d you get all that?
6: mommy said I could take $1 out of your wallet each day bc you’d never know
Spent the day helping out on my son’s Kindergarten field trip.
Teachers should make a minimum of $6 million per year.
Me to kid: go tell your brother dinner’s ready
The same kid right beside me:
fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due
me: say it
fred: pls no
me: i’m not paying
fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due
me: haha
shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo
Middle schoolers are terrifying because they haven’t even discovered empathy yet. just a bunch of psychopaths struggling to learn long division