Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions

Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.

When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.

Me: Hey boss sorry I’m late but my –

Boss: The chain from your wallet got tangled on your bicycle seat again…

Me: yeah

My son asked what it was like to be a parent so I begged him to make me chicken nuggets and then held on to his leg so he couldn’t move.

Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.

My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.

One of the great things about being a dad is how easy it is to launder my own desire for ice cream through my children

If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.

You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.

[movie theater]

Her: *Hands me popcorn bag* Can you put this down?

Me: *grabs bag* You stupid, overpriced, salty piece of shit!

Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?

Me: I have this severe pain in my elbow for a few days
Dr: *examines me* Looks like you have acute tendonitis
Me: Aw thanks but where is that pain coming from?

for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a black leather catsuit while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you could have been batman.

I think the worst thing I would wish on an enemy is that their closet rod is too heavy and crashes off the wall in the middle of the night

Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.

Parent Tip: don’t tell your child “I’m waiting, I can wait all day if I have to” unless you’ve actually cleared your schedule for the day.

A Jehovah’s Witness followed me.

I think I’ll send him a lot of unsolicited DMs with knock-knock jokes…

WAITER: Ready to order?

ME: First, I’d like to hear the chef’s special

WAITER: Oh yes he’s very special

[chef in background sheds a tear]

Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.

Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.

Tired of your teens stealing your hoodies?
Just get them embroidered with
“MY MOM IS THE FLEEKEST OF COOL”
Problem solved.

Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.

🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶

Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor

*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*

After three days of uncontrolled laughing, random face slapping, and running into the ocean in ball gowns, I threw away my Dior perfume.

–

I don’t believe him.

Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™

Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.

There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.

[being murdered]

me: thanks for doing this