@roostermustache

Me (in jail): hey officer these bars are made of iron, not nickel

Cop: ya so what

Me: so it’s a nickel-less cage

Cop:*macing me* son of a

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@KeetPotato

[inventing humans]
god: “they should have complete control of their tongue”
angel: “um ok”
god: “let me finish.. except when using scissors”

@stephenjmolloy

Me: There’s a fly in my soup.

Waiter: I’m so sorry, sir. I’ll sort this.

*puts a spider in the soup*

Waiter: Hopefully this won’t take too long.

@AdderallMomma

Folks are worried about global warming and social security, when the real crisis is that one day elderly drivers will know how to text.

@julezmac

“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy

@suecorvette

[whale watching]

whale: can someone close the drapes please? He’s back again

@JennyPentland

I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”

@roselia_val

So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌

@bridger_w

After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off

@SamGrittner

“WHAT DO WE WANT?!”
“SELF-CONFIDENCE!”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!”
*everyone breaks eye contact and starts mumbling*