Me (in jail): hey officer these bars are made of iron, not nickel

Cop: ya so what

Me: so it’s a nickel-less cage

Cop:*macing me* son of a

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[inventing humans]
god: “they should have complete control of their tongue”
angel: “um ok”
god: “let me finish.. except when using scissors”


Me: There’s a fly in my soup.

Waiter: I’m so sorry, sir. I’ll sort this.

*puts a spider in the soup*

Waiter: Hopefully this won’t take too long.


Folks are worried about global warming and social security, when the real crisis is that one day elderly drivers will know how to text.


“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy


[whale watching]

whale: can someone close the drapes please? He’s back again


I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”


So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌


After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off


*everyone breaks eye contact and starts mumbling*