I was confused when my wife asked me what I spent $108 on at the liquor store. I answered “liquor?”
All is not a trick question. Apparently
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I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.
I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.
*phone rings*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll leave a message.
*voicemail notification*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll text.
I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.
[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]
*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!
*goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers
I’m weird but not “sit around the house with my shirt tucked in even though I’ve got no plans to leave” weird. That shit’s 4 serial killers.
As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk
I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.
Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.
Friend: Who did?
Me: Yep.
“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 🤭
not sure why everyone acts like it’s so hard to make plans with your friends as an adult because my friend and I just planned our hangout tomorrow in 5 minutes and it only took us 3 months to find a day that works
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is
Me: do you love me?
Siri: I’m only your assistance.
Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.
Siri:there are two bridges near you.
Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.
ad for letuce:
do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water
MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.
[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese
Wake me when AI does housework
Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.
Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?
Why do cars slow down when they see a cop has pulled someone over? HE’S A LITTLE BUSY TO WORRY ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW DUMMIES
Needless to say…*
*mic drop
[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss
Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?
*the doctor looks up at me after reviewing my blood test for several minutes*
are you sure you’re not a donut?
Wife: Will he still able to play the accordion?
Doc: Ma’am, your husband has no brain function whatsoever
Wife: So yes then
Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate
Me: I got the buffet 🤭
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?