@roostermustache

Me (in jail): hey officer these bars are made of iron, not nickel

Cop: ya so what

Me: so it’s a nickel-less cage

Cop:*macing me* son of a

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@UncleDuke1969

[on knees]

“Oh God… please make this hangover go away.”

[from heavens]

“Due to the Saint Patrick’s Day holiday, we are experiencing abnormally high call volumes. Please hold, and God will answer your prayers in the order in which they were received.”

@EveInFlow

This is now a vegetable pun account. Please romaine calm.

@bobinhiding

Look kid, its not “passing out” if I have a blanket over me. Now be a dear and turn off the kitchen lights.

@modestjune

What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉

@KMoFlo_official

Coworker: First case of coronavirus in our city.

Me: *coughs*

Coworker:

Me: *hands coworker gun* You know what needs to be done.

Coworker: You choked on water. I saw you.

Me: YOU KNOW WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE.

@SirEviscerate

*accidentally uses flash while trying to take pic of funny looking person on the bus*

*makes distant thunder noises with mouth*

@robboma3

Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016

@Nickadoo

On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.

@1followernodad

My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I’m the town doctor.