Me (in jail): hey officer these bars are made of iron, not nickel

Cop: ya so what

Me: so it’s a nickel-less cage

Cop:*macing me* son of a

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[on knees]

“Oh God… please make this hangover go away.”

[from heavens]

“Due to the Saint Patrick’s Day holiday, we are experiencing abnormally high call volumes. Please hold, and God will answer your prayers in the order in which they were received.”


This is now a vegetable pun account. Please romaine calm.


Look kid, its not “passing out” if I have a blanket over me. Now be a dear and turn off the kitchen lights.


What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉


Coworker: First case of coronavirus in our city.

Me: *coughs*


Me: *hands coworker gun* You know what needs to be done.

Coworker: You choked on water. I saw you.



*accidentally uses flash while trying to take pic of funny looking person on the bus*

*makes distant thunder noises with mouth*


Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016


On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.


My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I’m the town doctor.