Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My son proposed to his fiancée about six months ago and she said yes. They’re super happy, we love her family too. I just found out today that another girl is in love with him and plans to propose next week…. should I say anything? Oh and also, he’s 4. They’re all 4.

Harmonicas were invented in 1932 when the worst person in the world decided he needed to organize his hot air into compartments.

Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂

*Job Position: Astrologer*

Interviewer: Tell me about myself

A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.

But it was returned…
no strings attached.

Wait…what ?

HER: [walks in wearing lingerie] See anything you like?

ME: I don’t think that will fit me.

me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*

death: quit it

Jigsaw: If you want to leave you’re gonna need to…

Me, psyched about missing work: Nah, I’m good here.

When I’m grabbing something off the shelf at the supermarket, I like to momentarily remove the first item and take the one behind it so I’m not buying the one that 50 other people have touched, a trick that no one but me has ever figured out

I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.

5 and I are playing “guess the number I’m thinking of” with no limits and no clues. He’s guessing sequentially from 1. Talk next week, guys!

Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!

ME: I want a normal night of sleep

MY BRAIN: Right… So, today, you’re gonna sleep from 1 pm ’til 4 pm & again from 9 pm ’til 2 am. Tomorrow, you’re scheduled for 2 hours. The next day is 19 hours which should make up for it but you’ll somehow feel even more tired after. Haha.

scared to check what name she chose

“Surprise!” they yelled as he came in.

He screamed.

“Happy birthday!” they said.

“Do I know you?”

“No. We’re just excellent surprisers.”

[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong

I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”

I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.

I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.

“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out

Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?

Mom asked me what I was drinking the first time I got drunk and I said “breast milk” and now she’s not talking to me.

daughter: daddy! daddy! did you see how high i jumped?

me [eyes closed, blind folded, 3000 leagues under the sea in a deprivation chamber]: yes, wow that was so amazing!!!!

I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.

coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december

me: stop living in the past

Dude turned from the ATM and tripped sending about eight 20s flying into my face.
I teared up a little.
I get strippers, I get it.

mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes

me: with what

“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”

“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”

There are two kinds of people. The ones that pack six days before a trip, and the ones that wake up day-of and realize they need to do a load of laundry. And they marry each other.

kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test