Me in January: (stuffing tangled lights and ornaments into unlabeled boxes) Problem for another day!
Me in December: Son of a b****
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ME: *peeing in the ocean*
WIFE: at least go in past your waist
Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.
Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush.
-Emojenesis 8:15
Funny how people only believe their horoscope when it’s something good about them.
Astrological sign: You’re smart.. but not really. You’re actually just an idiot.
Now what?
Interviewer: “What did you like best about your last job?”
Me: “Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.”
Just had to spell the word “bourgeoisie” while sharing my screen. Jesus Christ
If you need me I’ll be in a weird mood.
Anything guitarists say while leaning back to back during a solo is protected by law like confession or attorney client privilege.
13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.
If I get murdered please arrest the person who goes on tv and says I had “a zest for life.” I don’t care if they’re the killer but I don’t want my memory disrespected like that.
I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.
Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*
Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!
Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop
She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory
What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs?
You have a vowel movement.
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
LOL
Crush: what are u doing
Me: laying in bed listening to music
Crush: nice what kind
Me: it’s memory foam
Crush: no like who’s your favorite artist
Me: Picasso
I commented to a friend that I didn’t know how goofy Scream was. It turns out I have never seen Scream. I saw Scary Movie.
Called in, “Didn’t realize this eyeliner was permanent” this morning.
What unbearably horny inventor came up with the lickable envelope
“Oh this? This everyday, functional object? You have to caress its entire length sensuously with your tongue to activate it. I am a very normal person.”
If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.
COWORKER: Wanna come to my NYE party?!
ME: Aww… I would, but I already have plans.
MORGAN FREEMAN: He did not have plans.
It’s impossible to have an *ok* time on a trampoline. It’s either the most fun you’ve ever had or you go to the hospital.
It is amazing how trim porn actresses stay with all the pizza they order.
My Husband said I really shouldn’t use my SUV as a laundry hamper or shoe storage.
He hasn’t said anything about the fries between the seats, I guess a cafeteria is fine.
My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete
I’m trying to cut back on how much sense I make
him, leaving for work: we still need to talk about your soap opera addiction
me: *walks away and stares out the window as the rain starts to fall* just go
[my parents come for a visit]
i love you guys so much please stay forever you can have my bed i’ll buy dinner
[my mom puts a wooden spoon in the dishwasher]
well this has been fun,
who called it a missed phone call from your parents and not a boomer rang?