Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.

My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.

Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”

Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”

Dear men,
Keep giving her little surprises to keep the romance alive in your relationship.
Buy flowers for her for no reason.
Bring her breakfast in bed.
Throw a snake at her face while she’s driving.

Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.

I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty

The best part of the Titanic is when Rose is holding onto Jack and she’s all like, ‘I’ll never let go’ and then she lets go.

Therapist: What might you say to your husband next time you’re having this communication issue?

Me: I’m sorry your parents never taught you to use your big boy words but that is not my job so get it together

Therapist: No

Ever take a look at @thefunnytweeter? I’m honored that they have some of my tweets on a page.

why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles

doctor: your parents were in a car accident

me: how are they?

doctor: they’re extremely critical

me: so they’re awake, that’s good

A Japanese man has been arrested after reportedly dating more than 35 women at the same time in order to get birthday gifts from all of them

He gave each woman a different date for his birthday, ensuring a constant stream of gifts through the year.

Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.

Life hack: if you run out of treadmill space for your clothes get a piano

I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas

watching a murder doc and the main girl just said “i believe god put me in this prison for a reason” and im like well the reason is you murdered your husband

As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled

If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.

Our neighbour always gets my wife’s name wrong, so she started doing the same to him. She apologises and says English names “are challenging to remember” and “am I saying it right?”. His name is Ken

Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.

I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.

Like most major sports injuries, almost all Rock, Paper, Scissors injuries occur because of insufficient stretching before the match.

i have a mamma skunk with babies living under my deck so don’t talk to me about moral dilemmas

Breaking News: Scientists clone a new hybrid cantalope and cauliflower. “We call it the melon-cauli,” says Dr. Noah Lot of OMG I’m so sorry

[pushing my son in his stroller]

Stranger: awww aren’t you adorable! how old are you?

Me: 35

Stranger: I was talking to him

Me: He doesn’t know how old I am.

[I see a cute girl reading a novel]
“Hi there. I couldn’t help but notice-”
*points at book*
“That you support the murder of trees.”

it’s so funny that the veggie used to make veggie chips is just a potato

they are potato chips

How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face

[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childish

her: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday

me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.

Son: I’m tired.
Dad: Hi Tired, I’m Dad.

S:
D:

S: You annoy me.
D: You annoy me.

S: Oh, you’re copying me now?
D: Oh, you’re copying me now?

S: Who is the parent here?
D: Who is the parent here?

S: MOM! Come get your husband.