Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WIFE: Don’t embarrass me in front of my boss, he’s colorblind

ME: Duh

[later at party]

ME: [to boss] So when did you learn Colorbraille?

I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.

I have one of those signs in my house that says:

“Sorry for the mess,
We are making memories of mom being pissed off because we can’t listen the first 7 times to clean up our shit.”

The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.

Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.

The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.

[The inventor of biscotti]

This coffee would be so much better with a crouton

Me: There’s a guy in Toronto who survived being shot thirty times. He’s totally fine now

Wife: I am not shooting you. Just go to work

Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!

Her: ok….. you pick the place

Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught

A horror film, but it’s just a dad who accidentally locked himself out of the house, and now he’s peering through the window at his toddler alone with a sharpie.

OH MY GOD I FORGOT TO UNPLUG THE TOASTER
[flash to dog in sunglasses waiting for his fifth batch of waffles to pop up]

I love high fashion advertising. It’s like, “Why yes,  I am wearing a $2000 skirt at the gas station while a llama patiently waits in my car.”

Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.

Police: Because you keep killing people

“Are you sure you want to close 58 tabs?” no I’m not sure what if I need this tracking information for a package that was delivered last week

What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.

Annual shout out to my mom, who said she wanted a small filing cabinet for mother’s day when working on her dissertation. My dad got her a microwave. For two weeks she left several manila folders in it and wouldn’t let anyone use it — until my dad procured a filing cabinet.

I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.

Karate and loose meat sandwiches.

Welcome to Sloppy Dojo’s. I’ll be your sensei for this evening.

All salads come with our own roundhouse dressing

Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.

[At a One Direction concert]
No, I’m not a…I SAID NO I’M NOT A BIG ONE DIRECTION FAN I JUST HATE MYSELF AND FEEL THE NEED TO SELF PUNISH

DINOSAUR PARTY

TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!!
*hands phone to T-Rex

T-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.

As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.

the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one

I stupidly asked my kids to explain why there are rocks in the washing machine, as if I’m new to this whole parenting thing

Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home

I just watched the uncut version of Scarface…….it’s called Face.

[in a crowded elevator]

ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.

*at funeral*

Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.

Octopuses are amazing in that they can squeeze into really tight spaces to hide.

But when I do it, NO ONE is amazed. All I hear is, “Play with us!” from my kids and “STOP hiding under the bed from our kids, YOU ARE NOT an octopus!” from my wife.

[Sigh]

Boeing: we fixed all the problems

Passengers: is that Flex Seal?

I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.