Me: *In kitchen loudly eating carrots.
Dog: *Asleep in bedroom
Me: *In pantry, munching on Oreos.
Dog: *Loudly snoring in bedroom
Me: *Opens fridge, looks at steak.
Dog: *Already sitting expectantly next to me.
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*calling 911 for the fifth time*
{breathing heavy & whispering} okay, the spider has just reached the ceiling
Playing video games with your partner is a fun and easy way to start a huge fight for no reason
I dug a small hole in the Earth.
I did a handstand.
Im wearing the Earth as a hat.
cellmate: what are you in here for
me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold
The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”
No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude
FRIEND: get our wedding invitation?
ME: i did, somebody hand wrote ‘do not bring pan flute’
F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that
[6:00pm] i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight
[11:00pm] yay i did it!
[11:01pm] *preheats oven*
me: brush your teeth
my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth
MOM: putting him in sports was a bad idea
DAD: yup
ME (in right field wearing my cup on my face): hey coach look at me I’m Bane lol
Me: *clapping enthusiastically*
You: an actual strobe light would be more effective for the dance party, tho
[first date]
Her: I broke up with my last boyfriend because he was so intense, I felt smothered.
Me: [trying to impress]: I haven’t even bothered to learn your name.
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.
Reaction from my kids after explaining how sex works:
“You’ve done this THREE TIMES?”
Interviewer: your resume says you were a waiter
Me: yes that’s right
Interviewer: where at
Me: out in the lobby right before this interview
Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that
Hey i am sexy to you now
Stranger things? You should see Tinder.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.
Me: I won’t be needing you to help me work through my problems anymore.
Therapist: why’s that?
Me: I got a dog.
Me: Why does my phone keep changing campus to Camus?
Phone: There is no higher purpose in life.
Me: You could at least stop misspelling words.
P: *long drag on cigarette* There is no meaning. Duck yoor speeling.
Me: Is that a beret?
P: Oui.
I just slipped on a banana peel.
It didn’t fit.
Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?
“get his ass” is so hilarious. its like the modern version of “seize him”
2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary
2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement
LASAGNA IS ONE OF THE WORST SPELLED WORDS THAT SHIT IS ABSOLUTELY PREPOSTEROUS, SHOULD BE LASONYA BUT UR ALL SCARED TO TALK ABOUT IT, SCARED OF WHAT COULD HAPPEN
HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I’M DRUNK NOT DEAF