Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My mom is on a road trip to Amish Country with some of my aunts.

Please help me, she’s buying me and my wife gifts.

me: what are you doing

lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me

prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]

lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail

Big Sex has us all fooled

I can’t wait for the day when we can place specific blame in the fine print of pharmaceutical ads like CARL YOU’RE THE REASON WE CAN’T USE THIS WHEN WE’RE DRIVING THE BULLDOZER

Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.

Judge: So, you maintain that he took advantage of you?

Her: Yes Your Honor!

Judge: When did you realize this?

Her: When his check bounced

Goldfish 1: People are dumb. They actually think our memories only last for 3 seconds.

Goldfish 2: That is absolutely ridiculous.

Goldfish 1: What is absolutely ridiculous?

I feel like true love can be proven by whether you would stay with your partner if they suddenly started wearing a beret all the time

[Lou Bega voice]

One, two, three four

[Proclaimers voice]

five hundred miles

My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.

“Oh, Monster TRUCK rally. Haha of course…”
*Frankenstein slowly backs out of the room, hiding a 24 pack of condoms behind his back*

If u love someone and they don’t love u back the first thing you need to do is make them a scrapbook with you both in little wedding outfits

My 3 year old cried all day yesterday because he lost his brand new Spiderman sunglasses. Searched the whole house to no avail. I just asked if he remembered where he put them & he casually said, “Yes, at the bottom of the laundry basket in my room.” My bad for not asking sooner.

oh ffs josh did you not read the email

911 what’s your emergency?

Me: My GF keeps pointing a flashlight at me

911: How is that an emergency?

Me: It’s attached to her gun

You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.

All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.

Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.

What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18

Me to pregnant friend: Instead of practicing on a doll, I recommend you try to bathe, diaper, and swaddle a cat.

Friend: [exaggerated eye roll]

***6 months later***

Friend: Why didn’t anyone prepare me for reality?

Me: … [whispers] meow.

I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.

Dating is great to find the perfect partner for couples therapy

Me: That’s a very interesting sculpture

Her: It’s Mayan

Me: Yes, I know it’s yours. You don’t have to be a jerk about it

You don’t scare me, you’re not my kid noticing her sibling got a bigger slice of cake.

Alcohol is photoshop for real life.

I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.

The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song

Van Gogh: here you go

When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit

My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking ‘with each other’ was the wrong response.

‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’

~cats