Me, in most situations: quick, incisive decision-making.
Me, thinking about what drink to get at a gas station: To be or not to be; that is the question. Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troub
AC/DC will always be on today’s rock and roll stations because they’re literally current.
Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore
every year on st. paddy’s my mom would give us each a cabbage leaf and we would wear them on our heads like a little hat while we ate our corned beef. i thought this was a thing all irish people did but it turns out my mom just thought it was funny. found out in college.
An increasingly frustrated ax murderer making throat clearing sounds outside my window as I’m splayed on the couch drinking Cheeto crumbs
we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true
About to prop up a cardboard box with a stick on a string and put a hoodie under it.
How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
Don’t think of Daylight Saving Time as losing an hour of sleep.
Think of it as being one hour closer to breakfast.
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
To myself: ” Try and look like you know what you’re talking about in front of the mechanic. You’re a smart woman, don’t play dumb or you’re gonna get ripped off”
Me at the mechanic: “Car vroom sounds tikatikatika. Tee hee” *hands over credit card
They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.
Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry
trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card
“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”
me: *starts the washer*
me, two minutes later: what’s that noise
[1907. the first convenience store opens]
GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn
[watching burglar tear apart the house] lmao ur not even close
Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea
[Watching Netflix]
ME: Ohhhhh…I never thought about paying off a funeral home to get rid of the body…genius.
HIM: What??
ME: What?
:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.
ME: So you’re into religion. Really??
DATE: Absolutely. I go to church regularly. I especially love the religious hymns.
ME: Ok even I know they’re called priests, Linda.
Christmas needs to slow tf down I only got 8 dollars
I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.
PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.
“How funny would it be if we made the packaging hard to open on a regular day, but nearly impossible if you’re bleeding out?”
– makers of band-aids
On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.
i don’t get it when people say they are only a “little” angry, i am either not mad or will murder you
Dear Aliens,
Now would be a good time.
Thanks!
