Me, in most situations: quick, incisive decision-making.
Me, thinking about what drink to get at a gas station: To be or not to be; that is the question. Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troub
[Job interview]
-Are you going to just keep spinning around in that chair?
Sorry. I didn’t think we started yet.
I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.
This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.
Me when my kids were little: I hope people like them and they make lots of friends
Me now: WHY ARE MY KIDS’ FRIENDS ALWAYS HERE
My dog does such a good job we have never been attacked by a UPS truck.
just found a grappling hook in my new apartment. now i have to backtrack to my childhood home so i can access the previously unreachable attic
Your Czech is in the mail.
-Mail order brides
If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!
I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.
coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
”Oh no! NO! Oh my god!” but wife finds out that her husband has a secret ”almost dirty” sock drawer
Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”
And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”
How to flirt:
1. Giggle
2. Apply lip gloss
3. Look down coyly
4. Realize you applied concealer
5. Fall off barstool
Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…
If your store’s bowl of water is just for pets you should really put up a sign.
One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.
“HOW MUCH FOR THE GREEN SMART CAR?”
“Ma’am, that’s a watermelon”
Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.
Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.
I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
Hey weekend,
I love you more than you know!
I know I don’t deserve you, but trust me if you stay, I will spend all my procrastination on you to keep lying in my bed.
Love,
Your unconditional lover
Don’t tell a lactose intolerant girl you’ll “rearrange her guts” you’re not doing anything to her a glass of milk can’t do
The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.
“How do you find anything in here?!”
-my mugger, giving my purse back
Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.
The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.
*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!
Thank you, they came with the frame.
[kitchen]
SON: [whimpering]
ME: Why is he crying?
WIFE: I told him there was no more chocolate cake.
ME: There’s no more chocolate cake?
WIFE: Nope.
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …
WIFE: Wait, are you crying?
ME: No.
[doing crossword]
Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Her: Hiatus?
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks
I don’t want to brag about how cultured I am, but I’ve visited the outside of many historical buildings that charge an entrance fee
[Interview]
Him: Your resume just says you can have Friday afternoons off.
Me: Sounds great. I’ll take it.
