Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.

ME: one ariana please

STARBUCKS: what size

ME: *winks at camera*

Me: you may find this hard to believe but I have been fooled several times.

Them: No we get that.

my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.

watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.

I’m sorry…what?

[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day

My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock

cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours

my cat: *slowly pushes it off*

[movie trailer]

IN A WORLD OF ANIMAL NOISES

*distant oinks and moo’s*

ONE OLD MAN KNEW THEM ALL

*dramatic music*

BUT BEFORE HE WAS A MAN

*slow piano music*

BEFORE HE HAD A FARM

*flying shot of rolling hills*

HE WAS…

*extreme close up*

YOUNG MACDONALD

[coming soon]

I love my sister and even when I struggled as a teenage lesbian shes been a wonderful ally but how do I tell her that whenever we’re watching something and an unexpected gay scene happens she doesn’t have to turn to me and stare at me like this 😊

I tried to stifle my laughter as best I could, but in my defense, you did have an interpretive dance at your wedding.

*Running late
*Light turns green but car in front wont go
*About to honk when reads bumper sticker: honk if you love disco
*Is late for work

i’m really good at reading people’s true feelings from their words. for example, my wife said “i love how you’ll just leave the dirty dishes in the sink and wait for me to do them,” but i was able to determine that she does not, in fact, love that

Found a great app on my phone that I’d forgotten about that shows what you’ll look like as an old person.

It’s called “Camera”.

Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”

*20 minutes later*

Me: “No.”

Face it, wild horses could easily drag you away.

I mean, that miniature pony at the petting zoo could probably pull you for miles.

You know how sailors used to get scurvy from not eating citrus fruit/vitamin C? Well if there’s a disease that one gets from eating cheesecake I’m going to have it by Friday around noon.

I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.

[watching Friends]

NIECE: I love this show

ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be

When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.

[first day as a director]

me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup

Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.

me: [texting] hey sorry but my powerful enemy just said “seize him” to all his underlings

boss: what time can you be here

me: i dunno man they’re seizing me like right now

boss: we’re short staffed today

me: i’m getting seized

The holidays are always tough on me….

One year for Christmas , I made a gingerbread house that wasn’t up to code & it collapsed on a tiny, little gingerbread family.

Still haunts me.

My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.

“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.

I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.

Took my kid to a roller rink and strapped on skates for the first time in 30 years.

The arcade games, the music, the disco ball; every detail took me straight back to my youth.

The only new feature was the ambulance ride.

Girl: I love Medieval Art

Boy: Who doesn’t? There he is now

Medieval Art: Good morrow! Pray tell- How fare thee on this day of providence?