Me in my 20’s: Bad to the bone
Me in my 40’s: Glued to my phone
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My wife: where the heck did you spend $25,000 last night?
Me:
Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, why didn’t you pull over as soon as I flashed my lights?
Me: Oh, I can’t see a thing without my glasses.
I wanted to go out tonight, but the avocado I bought last week will finally be ripe enough to eat between 9pm – 9.15pm so I can’t.
I love art.
I got so shit-faced the other night and when I got home I was starving so I shoved something in the microwave but then I couldn’t warm it up because I couldn’t remember my pin number.
Wife: omg it’s happening
Me: what is?
*the lights go out, wind rattles the windows*
Wife: the baby is coming
Me: what?!
Wife: the baby is coming right now
Me: you’re not pregnant!
*door creaks open*
Wife: run
I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.
Spa day..😅
If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.
I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them
“Who’s the new guy?”
“We’ll explain later.”
“But-“
“Just look at the camera, Steve.”
My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.
[phone w/ fiancé]
Hey, I can still pick whatever suit I like for the wedding right?
“As long as its black, why?”
*wearing batsuit* No reason
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? ‘Cause your husband’s out here acting like you don’t exist.
I’m at my sexiest when I find the grown out patch of hair on the outside of my ankle I missed with the razor the last 17 times I shaved.
[first date]
I just love that you are a normal, cool girl.
*subtly slides macaroni art of your face back under my chair*
-Yeah, totally.
When Wall-E first came out I was like “‘what a profound statement” and now, a few years older, I’m like “gimme one of those sick chairs.”
Me standing next to random car making phone call, Swiss policeman arrives,
“You cannot park there”
“It’s not my car”
“You have to move it”
“It’s not my car”
“Move it or get a fine”
“It’s not my car”
Policeman writes ticket,
“I did warn you”“It’s not my car”
Whenever someone mentions rat poison part of me imagines a tiny rodent cover band playing 80s power ballads.
Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?
Why do people always assume it’s a compliment when I tell them their baby looks just like them . . .
Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.
Imagine being a fly on the wall in the closed court where Rupert Murdoch is suing his own children. You’d be the most ethical creature in the room.
You can’t change your past but you can change your pasta.
A police officer just stopped me due to the terrible state of the sleeve on my cardigan, which is covered in small balls of thread. I’ve been charged with grievous bobbly arm 😔
worst online experience has gotta be finding a reddit post that outlines your exact symptoms and every comment is like “you should go to the hospital” and someone says “any update OP?” but the OP hasnt posted in 5 years
Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
Husband: Sometimes I think you love the dogs more than you love me.
Me: (awkward silence)
her: your costume is highly inappropriate
me: oh relax, it’s not like it’s a “sexy” hot dog suit haha
her: well, regardless it’s time for you to give the eulogy