Me in my 20’s: Bad to the bone
Me in my 40’s: Glued to my phone
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DOCTOR: Push again, the baby is-
MOTHER: IS SOMETHING WRONG?
DOCTOR: [holding phone] No, I just caught a Jigglypuff up in there.
90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.
I’m just a guy standing in a Starbucks line, thinking I could’ve milked a cow and grown my own coffee beans faster than this shit.
Next time I open up to somebody it will be an autopsy.
This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now
Told my daughter work was tough today and she patted my back and said, “Life isn’t always pickles and peaches,” like some kind of 3rd Grade Confucius.
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
hi welcome to my podcast “consciousness was a mistake” today we’re gonna take a nap together to demonstrate that being aware of reality is bad
Excerpt from my fantasy novel. Reminder to editors: new authors pour their souls into their manuscripts. Feedback like “Did you spend all your time inventing the elf language?” and “I think you spent too much time making the elf language” is NOT helpful
Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂
The first time my daughter met her Great Aunt she turned to me and moistly whispered “I thought it was weird that you called her great, but I see it now”
It’s always humbling when the dinner I had delivered comes with 2 sets of cutlery
ex: i wish you well
me: i hope you fall into one
Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.
Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”
*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?
THERAPIST: your problem is, that youre perfect, and everyone is jealous of your good posts, and that makes you rightfully upset.
ME: I agree
911: what’s your emergency?
me: I taught my Dad how to text
911: the problem ma’am?
me: he CALLS to say “yeah, got ur text”
Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings
Indiana Jones And The Two Dudes Who Lost Their Cars.
since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
I don’t want to forget anything so I always make a list before I go to the supermarket:
1. Get shopping
2. Pay for shopping
3. Come home
Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.
when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair
How did girls text before emojis?
Hey I can’t wait to see you tonight! PARTY HAT MARTINI GLASS NOISEMAKER BEER MUG CAT DOG SUNGLASSES POOP
If anyone needs some loose IKEA parts, let me know. Also, if you’re ever at my apartment, I’d avoid sitting on or touching any of my furniture.
If you’re thinking of having kids, last night I told my 5 year old what I made for dinner and he said “Ew, gross,” then three minutes later I caught him eating a booger.