@scot7a

ME, in my 20s: Bro, if you bring chips, make sure you get the “Scarlet Viper Ghost Dragon Habanero Pepper” flavor! Whooo!

ME, now: Excuse me, young man, do you carry “A Timid Suggestion of Chive” chips? I have a prescription from my gastroenterologist.

You Might Also Like

@jazz_inmypants

whoa i just got a fortune cookie that said “people will literally eat fried cardboard if u tell them there’s a secret inside lmao”

@sonictyrant

cop:*pulls me over*
me:*winds down car door window*
cop: where’s the rest of your vehicle?

@LoriLuvsShoes

My 16:

“How come when my friends come over you’re suddenly the nicest mom in the world?”

@mattZillaaaa

A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story

@XplodingUnicorn

7-year-old: You got a letter!

Me: It’s a bill. I owe money.

7: Not if you throw it away.

She’s my financial planner now.

@HungoverLawyer

Ladies: We leave the toilet seat up because we don’t want to touch it any more than you do.

@dumbbeezie

My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken

@samalmightysam

While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.

@nerdreign

When runner-ups in reality shows say, “I may not have won but I’m still a winner,” do they understand how language and/or competition works?

@GlumGeorgeLucas

I wish I gave Darth Vader different last words.

Before he died, I wanted him to mutter, “I should have stuck to pod racing.”