Things toddlers have in common with raccoons:
– make messes they have no intention of cleaning up
– won’t share
– don’t like baths
– bitey
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wife: “you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings”
me: [covering penguin’s ears] “he can hear you linda”
“I’M A DOG!”
“I’M A DOG TOO!”
“WE’RE DOGS!”
– dogs
[Losing my virginity]
Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?
Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?
An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.
If you add the word “extraordinaire” to your job title you kick up your credibility another notch and earn your colleagues trust and respect without even trying.
(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon
History fun fact:
In the Middle Ages, anyone could get a concealed carry permit. You never knew who might have a trebuchet tucked under their coat or a siege tower in their pants. Dangerous times.
My toddler gave me his Christmas list and it’s ridiculous. Like a majority of this stuff sounds completely made up. “Robot crab that transforms”? Why would anything like that even exist?
*checks Amazon*
I wonder if he’d like that crab in red or blue
Cinco De Mayo
Cinco De Ketchup
Cinco De Mustard
Cinco De Siracha
Cinco De Ranch Dressing
Amazon should have “I was drunk” as an order cancellation option
at my girlfriend’s house for thanksgiving and i asked if we could watch the game and she said “of course!” then put on a gossip girl thanksgiving episode
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?
Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one
Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black
Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”
thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie
[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.
Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy
[proposing to my Karate gf]
Me: So, will you marry me?
Her: I’m not sure….
Me: Dojo breakin’ my heart, LOL
Her: Now I’m sure it’s a no.
[playing hangman]
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
wife
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*
I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.
Ladies, if he’s
– always giving you one-word responses
– unsupportive when you’re visibly upset
– coming over unannounced in the middle of the night
– faintly tapping at your chamber doorHe’s not your man. He’s the Raven, nothing more.
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.
Who’s ready for Friday?!
the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps
I once told my mom that being the youngest child wasn’t so great because I got the least amount of time with her before she dies.
Just to show that my dark side comes from a loving place.
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here