ME, in my 20s: Bro, if you bring chips, make sure you get the “Scarlet Viper Ghost Dragon Habanero Pepper” flavor! Whooo!

ME, now: Excuse me, young man, do you carry “A Timid Suggestion of Chive” chips? I have a prescription from my gastroenterologist.

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I can’t stand fake people.

Unless you’re with me and we are faking that we are sober for a cop.

Then you need to be Oscar winning fake.


does anyone know what happens when your mom gets to 3? like has anyone ever been stupid enough to ignore her after counting to 2 1/2 and survived to tell the tale??


You guys, my mom wants to know if any of you are going to give her grandchildren.


I accidentally sent my boss a Zoom invite for my job interview. I was bewildered by the “maybe” response.


Kids today with their $50 haircuts. Mom cut our hair & knew two styles: Pete Rose & Charlie Brown.


My daughter has an ice skating date with her boyfriend tonight. So I’ll be the guy skating behind two 12 year olds carrying a shotgun.


Turtle 911: Whats ur emergency?


911: Have u tried looking in her house?

Turtle: oops never mind.


[velociraptor sneaks up on me as I aim my gun]

me: clever girl

velociraptor: what

me: …clever girl

velociraptor: I’m 26

me: sorry I-

velociraptor: looks like I’m not the only dinosaur here


ME: Thanks for seeing me. Whenever I asked my father for help with these issues he’d just ask me if I tried sucking less.

THERAPIST: That’s horrible.

ME: Yeah.



THERAPIST: Have— *clears throat* have you tried that though?