ME, in my 20s: Bro, if you bring chips, make sure you get the “Scarlet Viper Ghost Dragon Habanero Pepper” flavor! Whooo!

ME, now: Excuse me, young man, do you carry “A Timid Suggestion of Chive” chips? I have a prescription from my gastroenterologist.

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whoa i just got a fortune cookie that said “people will literally eat fried cardboard if u tell them there’s a secret inside lmao”


cop:*pulls me over*
me:*winds down car door window*
cop: where’s the rest of your vehicle?


My 16:

“How come when my friends come over you’re suddenly the nicest mom in the world?”


A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story


7-year-old: You got a letter!

Me: It’s a bill. I owe money.

7: Not if you throw it away.

She’s my financial planner now.


Ladies: We leave the toilet seat up because we don’t want to touch it any more than you do.


My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken


While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.


When runner-ups in reality shows say, “I may not have won but I’m still a winner,” do they understand how language and/or competition works?


I wish I gave Darth Vader different last words.

Before he died, I wanted him to mutter, “I should have stuck to pod racing.”