@scot7a

ME, in my 20s: Bro, if you bring chips, make sure you get the “Scarlet Viper Ghost Dragon Habanero Pepper” flavor! Whooo!

ME, now: Excuse me, young man, do you carry “A Timid Suggestion of Chive” chips? I have a prescription from my gastroenterologist.

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@WheelTod

If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?

@TT_Sunshine_

In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead

@stephenjmolloy

Doctor: The surgery was a success and your husband should wake up in a few hours.

My wife: I thought you said this surgery didn’t require for him to be unconscious?

Doctor: It didn’t but he started talking and-

My wife: I understand.

@Gupton68

I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.

@ChrisScarlette

We now return to ‘CANADIAN SNIPER’

*canadian sniper shoots an enemy*

*canadian sniper yells ‘sorry’ from far away*

@sixfootcandy

Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?

Husband: What else do you have?

Me: *eyes narrow*

Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!

@man_in_radiator

I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.

@BoogTweets

[being stopped by the cops]

Me: if they ask about a missing dolphin just play it cool

My new best friend: *clicky noises*

Me: okay okay *i toss him a fish to keep him quiet*