Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Well Bob, I love to travel, and being my own boss is great. But I suppose my favorite thing about being a serial killer is murdering people.

*after 12 tequila shots*
Left eye – It’s PARTY TIME!!
Right eye – I’m beat, I’m going to lie down in the corner

they should invent a hydrating liquor

Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one

I see: A clean house.
My kids see: A blank canvas.

Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.

“This is your raise. Please keep it confidential.”

“Don’t worry. I’m as ashamed of it as you are.”

At the grocery store and forgot my wife’s list, but no worries I’m sure there’s another dad here that I can copy off of.

Welcome to your 40s: here’s another chin, have a nice day.

Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.

“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”

I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now

And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end

Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine

Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough

Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.

My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.

If you go back in time to 2009 and tell anyone Daniel Radcliffe & Jonathan Groff would become Tony winning besties they would probably be like “Wow 2024 is a magical place” & then you’d have to be like “Nah that’s like the one good thing.”

Alternate reality. 🤣🤣🤣

[Shark Tank]
Ok hear me out.
-Alright.
It’s an airplane made out of cats.
-But why?
It cant crash. Always lands on it’s feet.
-Please leave.

Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.

Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.

After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard

I wanted to look sharp!

Wore my smarty pants & thinking cap.

Then, I lost my shirt & knocked my socks off…

Now, I look like an idiom.

Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?

Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERAL

Me: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL

Reports say 3 billion Yahoo accounts were hacked and suddenly 3 billion people remembered they had yahoo accounts.

“Jurassic Park” is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.

Principal: about your son…

Dad: our son?

Mom: is he ok??

Principal: yes, yes. but you see, we’ve found that your son is cool. very cool. far too cool to have parents like you. [hits the intercom] Betty, please bring them in.

[Betty enters with cooler parents]

Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work?
*flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn’t find a thermos*
“Yes”

My kid drew all over my kitchen counter with permanent marker

Classic case of counter terrorism

No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.