Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have two dogs walking around my house in cones of shame and it’s like living a never ending game of bumper cars

If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul

[blind date]

HER: I’m a Nihilist

ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country

All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?

When do you introduce yourself to your new neighbors? Is it after 5 years? Tell me it’s after you hit their mailbox with your car.

ME: did I remember to take my antidepressants this morning?

BRAIN: does it matter? Does anything matter? Aren’t we all just insignificant threads in the tapestry of life

ME: …so that’s a no

To keep people on their toes, when offered food at an event, I ask “Are there bees in this?”

Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?

“I’m excited for the continental breakfast”
*sees a buffet just full of ice cubes*
“What the…”
Sign: Today’s Continent is Antartica

Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.

Genie: You get one wish.

Me: I wish I had more twitter followers.

Genie: Done. *vanishes*

*Checks phone*

Genie is now following you.

Me: I’m terrified of heterosexuals

Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight –

Me: *explodes into a pile of glitter*

Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings

I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I’m gonna take a nap

My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.

I read a description of my personality and it warned that I should be careful not to let myself fall into “hermit mode” and I’m like hermit mode sounds awesome how do I unlock hermit mode

Me: I pull a sword from my forehead
Nerd: Not realistic
M: so dungeons and dragons are real?
N: …
M: so, I pull a sword from my forehead

A passenger is at the airport at 6AM in a pressed suit and said “good morning!”

Excuse me, sir, that is not the vibe here. The rest of us have agreed to be sullen and wear the closest thing to pajamas you can legally leave the house in.
Go back and try again.

I overheard my neighbor say, “she has SO MANY pigeons in her yard,” but I couldn’t tell if she was impressed or concerned.

Roses are red

Pizza sauce is too

I ordered a large

And none of its for you

I made a recipe that called for aubergines. The grocery store didn’t have any so I substituted eggplants.

A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.

omg the susans have started to replicate please send he

My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.

When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.

Knock Knock

FYI – when your pilot says “we’ll be on the ground shortly” fellow travelers don’t appreciate it when you loudly add “one way or another.”

Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.

My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again

The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.