Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

inside you there are two wolves. one snores like “honk shoo honk shoo honk shoo.” the other one snores like “hooooonk mi mi mi”

Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.

Glorious 12/27 to those who celebrate.

(HR hovering over my desk, glaring at my awesome fat 70s tie with a crisp double Windsor knot)

Me: omg now what

HR: shirts aren’t optional

im pitting my doctors against each other like divorced parents. tellin my dentist that the podiatrist said i can have sugar cubes

Carl: Perfect weather tonight.

Me: Tell me something I don’t know.

Carl: Butterflies taste with their feet.

Me: Fair enough.

[interview]

“How would you describe your people skills?”

ME: I tend to drive others away.

“That’s great! Welcome to Uber.”

You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?

Cannibals.
And also a fork.

I don’t need therapy. I just barked at a pedestrian crossing the street. I’m the happiest I’ve ever been in my life

I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.

Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.

“This is NPR.” Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.

Fall is here! I can finally start burning my pumpkin cinnamon cupcake cranberry apple pie walk in the snow vanilla snickerdoodle flannel scented candle without feeling like a psychopath

RIGHT?

When my wife and I argue it’s usually over something petty like “what are we going to watch tonight?” or “who’s that guy you were just having sex with?”

For the record Tom is just a friend.

A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.

My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it

never trust a guy who wants you to try out for a boy band in a motel off the jersey turnpike.

i know this now.

Existential crisis becomes ex’s tinsel crisis, when Christmas is involved

I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.

Wishing all the contacts in my phone “Merry Christmas, I hope you get what you deserve” and just letting that work itself out

sometimes late at night i look up at the stars and wonder what life would be like if my hair was spaghetti. would i eat it? i prolly would. would i eat other peoples hair spaghetti? again, most likely yes

Doctor: “Do you think your alcohol consumption may be getting out of control?”

Me: *swirls drink* “No”.

If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?

If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.

Daughter found the wrinkle cream and when I told her what it was for she said, “Daddy, you should use that when you grow up” so I guess my point here is maybe 4 isn’t too young for a pony.

how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840

Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.

I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.

I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart