Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Please say a prayer for my former coworkers. They’re fine but they still work there

My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.

The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.

Librarian “SHHHHH”

*Turns lawnmower to low setting*

So I was coloring my few, grey hairs with a sharpie and Hubby walked in.
He told me, I’m the reason for warning labels on small appliances.

If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.

My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.

My almost 3yo drew me a picture and when he gave it to me, I must not have reacted fast enough because he said, “say ‘awwww’ mama.”

Doctor: So what brings you in today?

Me: Stay with me here…I’m pretty sure there is a bus full of elementary age children flying around my small intestine.

Used to work in an office where the boss gave a hard brain teaser to the staff in the morning & if anyone could figure it out by the afternoon he’d pay for their lunch. I won most days. Because as the IT guy I had access to his company cloud account where he stored the answers.

[clenching fists] “I’ll fight someone”
Waiter: For the last time sir, ‘cheese plate’ describes the items on the plate not the plate itself

Never had a DUI, I always pee after sex

Years ago I went to a job placement agency.

I left disappointed.

Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.

16,875,547,322 traffic-related bug deaths so far this year

Receives a compliment

Me: no sorry we don’t do that here

Son: It’s spring break, what are we doing?

Me: Working, “we” are working.

A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.

My boyfriend and I are into role playing-I pretend to be hotter and skinnier and he pretends not to be a Nigerian teen in an Internet cafe .

I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.

Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.

I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.

299 of them are Nestlé.

Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend

Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either

8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course

Him: Send me a shower pic

Me:

Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.

My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.

my favorite gender

My work day –
8:00-11:30 – wonder what I’ll eat for lunch today
11:30 – 12:00 – eat lunch
12:00 – 4:30 – Damn lunch was good.