Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.

BABY: WAAAAAAA-
ME: Shhhh, it’s okay.
BABY: -AAAAAAAA-
ME: shhhh….
BABY: -AAAAAALUIGI!
ME: wtf
BABY: (whispering) No one will believe you.

If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.

*yells up to treehouse*
me: what are you girls doin?
them: *yells back* chattin and braidin!
me: *climbing up* WAIT ARE THOSE BOY’S NAMES, I DON’T KNOW ANYMORE

Thanksgiving regret: no one at dinner wanted to talk about why the family members on TV’s “Dinosaurs” were all different species of dinosaur

GOOD COP: Give us a name!
PERP: Never!
TED TALK COP: Imagine a world where every single human has-
PERP: Okay I’ll talk, please just stop!

DOG (watching me stuff my face): Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the–
ME: Ope…

Wife and daughter are doing a Friends marathon. It’s on 24/7.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.

Friend: You need help?

Me: I need to write a couple letters.

Friend: OK

Me: Not those.

This probably isn’t good

ant-man: im here to stop u

bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]

ant-man: motherf

While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section

who else up pondering the strange drawings on their door

The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.

If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.

If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.

You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.

“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”

It’s so dumb to be on this app, why do I have a diary where people can yell at me

judge: what do you have to say for yourself

scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers

judge: oh damn

cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55

me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha

cop: sure whatever

[later in traffic court]

judge: how were you going 420 in a 55

Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars

You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.

You can’t have both.

[David Attenborough voice]

And here we see JC in her natural habitat. Watch as she circles the donut case, bystanders completely unaware of her imminent attack.

Wrong hole! It’s too tight!

-me putting on my watch, you pervs

The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.

Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?

Me: Avocados.

Me: You are not going to believe this…

Priest: Your confessions will always be belived, my child

Me: There is no toilet paper over here.

being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”

STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!