Me in my 20’s: Gotta steal this grocery cart so I can ride down a hill wasted
Me in my 30’s: Gotta steal one of these nice hotel hangers that also hold slacks
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what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2
Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?
My husband let me sleep late and in that time he cleaned the kitchen, installed a new faucet, and took out the trash.
I don’t know what he did wrong, but frankly, I don’t mind if he keeps doing it.
Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
nothing about reading dr seuss has convinced me that he’s actually a doctor
Me: Super size it!
Pharmacist: No.
[Apple meeting]
We need an honest iPhone 6 slogan.
“How about, iPhone 6: Yesterday’s technology at tomorrow’s prices.”
Too honest, Carl.
The only time I’ll care about Basketball:
Writer: Got this great idea for a movie… “102 Dalmations.”
Walt Disney: That’s way too many dalmations.
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
5-year-old: Dad! Dad! My sister-
Me: Stop tattling. I don’t want to hear about it unless there’s blood.
5:
Me:
5: How much blood?
[movie theater concessions]
Me: ok kiddos we can get popcorn or we can pay for your college.
Kids: POPCORN!
Wife: seriously!?!
Me: [shakes head sadly] they’ve made their choice.
My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him
Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird?
Tequila, I’m looking at you.
How dare you say I’m crazy on the eve of my cats wedding
law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class
me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now
I have passed 4 levels of the interview process for a new job, and the final step is a personality assessment, so that’s unfortunate.
Dave’s coming over
“Dave from work or loud and obvious Dave?”
[outside]
THE RAIN HAS MADE ME WET. I AM WEARING PANTS. MY EYES ARE BLINKING
Dudes named Chance never had one.
This is funnier than it should be. 😂
therapist: so what’s the problem?
me: i have crippling self-doubt
therapist: are you sure?
me: …
therapist: …
me: no
The documentary My Octopus Teacher will not be shown tonight due to tentacle difficulties.
Harry: Want to see a magic trick?
Voldemort: Let’s see what you got Potter.
Harry: Got your nose!
Voldemort: You know I hate that game.
If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”
– How my friends explain me to others.
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.
“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something
Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.