Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.

An M&M.

In half.

[reading online survey]

Are you ready to double your satisfaction?

My god this sounds wildly inappropriate.

*clicks yes*

Me: cute infant you have there

Mary: thanks

Me: so tender and mild

Mary: …w-what

me: *throwing rocks at the window of a girl I like*

flight attendant: STOP THAT

Laughed hysterically and said “Oh yes, please do” after the pizza shop guy asked if he could put the sauce in my box. I think I scared him.

[cannibal restaurant]

server: hi, who’ll you have?

cannibal: just bring me the Bill

“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink

First thing I do when I move into a new apartment is buy a drum set

My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.

If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.

If I’m guilty of anything it’s only of loving too much, insider trading, public indecency, treason, arson, jaywalking, piracy & cannibalism.

So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup

Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.

It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…

When Prince Adam called upon the power of Greyskull and turned into He-Man, it didn’t make him bigger or stronger it just made him more naked

Me: I refuse to believe that year 2004 was 30 years ago
Them: it wasn’t
Me: that’s what I just said

Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.

JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head

A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.

I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 goose

Looking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread

DATE: did I say something to upset you?
ME: *stabbing my pasta extra hard with my fork* everyone is entitled to their opinion about the best ninja turtle, Karen

*Runs a bath

Me: ok, jump in

3: it’s too hot

*Adds cold water

Me: Ok, get in

3: it’s too cold

Apparently I gave birth to Goldilocks.

Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.

I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie

Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.

(Me,after returning from exam)

Mom: (Greeting) How was your paper?

Me: I wrote what I knew, I copied what I didn’t knew.

I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.

Son: Mom, can I sleep with you? I’m scared.

Me: No, I can’t risk the monster following you into my room and killing me.

I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s