Me in my 20s: I’m never gonna turn into my dad.
Me in my 30s: WHO LEFT ALL THE LIGHTS ON DO YOU THINK I’M MADE OF MONEY
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[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian
“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No you hang up”*slams phone*
Why do I keep calling that parrot?!
Can anyone recommend some basic intrusive thoughts for someone looking to get into anxiety?
Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.
ME: There’s something disgusting in my food
WAITER: Our plates are reflective
こいつ天才
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest strength is, I want to say, “I push myself.”
Harsh but true birthday card from my parents
be aware when you do a search and replace in your script to change someone’s name from Chris to Ryan that suddenly your characters are going to be talking a lot about the upcoming Ryantmas season
my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there
The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
“Wish You Were Beer!”
Wait…no…that’s right…send.
if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet
You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.
If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.
My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all
My husband knew I’d never wear slippers because that’s where spiders lay their eggs and he still married me so I think that makes him the weirdo
Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.
karate teacher: shatter that board
me: *holding it up to my face* your whole family died here and I watched
teacher: not like that
board: *crying* yeah not like that
Just turned forty-three. I really thought I’d have a nemesis by now. There’s a duck at the park I don’t like, but that’s about it.
Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.
The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.
The Count of Monte Cristo is my favourite book about French Sesame Street.
“Can we go outside and play now?”
“Soon, boy.”
“You said that ten minutes ago.”
“As soon as I finish my cof-“
“Oops.”
“You did that on purpose.”
“It slipped.”
“I’ll get my coat.”
“Excellent.”
On Sunday
Him: Wanna go out Saturday?Me: that’s my shower day.
I can pencil you in for Friday though.Him: no thanks
Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus
eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.
Me: It’s hard to stay mad at a guy who shows up with pizza instead of a lame bunch of flowers.
Domino’s Delivery: Listen lady I’ve only been late one time.
If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.