Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Interviewer: How do you respond to criticism?

Me: Violently.

Interviewer:

Me:

Interviewer: No further questions.

Schrödinger’s Dumpster

autocorrect: Dan!

me: No no, autocorrect, this is my DAD, we know him.

autocorrect: *growling* Dan.

me: *spritzing my phone with water* NO

I borrowed $500 from a co-worker then paid a homeless guy $8 to kill him in a McDonald’s bathroom. I’m up $405 or whatever.

If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?

It’s cool, I don’t know why I’m still talking either.

5 and I are playing “guess the number I’m thinking of” with no limits and no clues. He’s guessing sequentially from 1. Talk next week, guys!

“Everybody freeze!”
-November

Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work

HOW TO DISPOSE OF BATTERIES

– set them aside until you can look up how to dispose of batteries

– find them 3 months later

– look both ways

– slip them into the trash

Winner of the first annual socially distancing award goes to…

Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.

This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.

It’s generally a good idea to start punching and throwing elbows immediately upon waking up because there may be enemies nearby

[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?

Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes

Boss: We drew those

Me: Another good theory

If a recipe does not call for cheese, I’m gonna assume they forgot it and add an entire large bag. Well 3/4 of bag cause I ate some of it.

Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.

Blocking someone isn’t enough. I want their ibuprofen to always be on the highest shelf, and just out of reach.

If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.

I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.

Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?

Orange juice, 2 coffees, some fruit, bacon, mushrooms, potato with something sausagey & then another coffee. They were serving cake too but I didn’t have any because I’m not an animal.

“Have you seen my thumb ring?”

~ my proctologist

“Some say I have a drinking problem”

*pours glass of water on lap*

Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00

Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake

Me: I don’t have time for anxiety. I have so much to do before tomorrow.

Anxiety: Ha! Good one. You’re funny!

Me: Funny how?

wife: hey…HEY

me: *takes out earbuds*

wife: would you like to see your newborn son for the first time?

me: *puts earbuds back in*

To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.