Me in my 20’s: Naive af.
Me in my 40’s: Same af.
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[Speed dating]
Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
You’re not officially a teacher unless someone you live with has told you that they’re not one of the children in your class and you can’t speak to them like that.
My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.
Me: What did you learn in kindergarten today?
5-year-old: A doughnut would help me remember.
Apparently she learned bribery.
My wife said I need to grow up.
I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
my dog: LEMME OUT
me: you gonna bark?
dog: I HEAR THINGS LEMME OUT
me: what things?
dog: OMG THE WIND LEMME OUT
me: you don’t need to bark at the wind
dog: YES I DO CAN’T YOU HEAR IT BLOWING OUT THERE AND MAYBE IT WANTS TO PLAY OR BLOW THE HOUSE DOWN OR OR OMG LEMME OUUUT
At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments
if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker
People who camp are like, “But camping is so much fun!” and then tell you a story about how they had to fight a raccoon at 2 AM.
A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.
I thought: “No whey, Jose.”
When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”
Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.
[pitching my invention of liquid chicken nuggets]
CEO: so you just drink them?
ME: *pulls a needle and syringe out of my briefcase* think bigger
Nobody:
Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”
First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick
God: *creates oceans*
Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL
God: Get out
*first day as a hair stylist
“STOP SCREAMING ABOUT THE BLOOD! THAT’S WHY WE PUT THE APRON ON YOU!”
[bedtime]
SON: I want a monster story.
ME: Sure. This one’s called “The evil co-worker that reheated fish in the microwave.”
Stranger: ma’am do you need medical assistance?
Me: IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WORE HEELS OK?
Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas?
Because they’re delicious, you racist asshole.
If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!
so my mum bought a lamb for £20 so it doesn’t get killed tomorrow and is planning to keep her in the garden with the dogs???? Honestly wish I could say I’m surprised but it’s very her
My mother-in-law is visiting & I told my 14-year old to make menus for brunch this morning & they just invented the most popular restaurant in Williamsburg.
According to rom coms, I haven’t met the perfect guy because I’ve never chased an important paper down the block in a gust of wind.
I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?
“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.