Me in my 20’s: Naive af.
Me in my 40’s: Same af.
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I know this ain’t smart, but that never stopped me before.
Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?
“Great minds think alike”
So do stupid minds
I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”
Life was once a string of awkward silences but then I got a kazoo
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
Instead of saying, “Someone’s in here” when a person tries to open your bathroom stall door, try one of these fun alternatives:
1. “Leave the package at the door.”
2. “I TOLD YOU IT’S OVER!”
3. “Larry?”
I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.
As an ex-smoker, if I’d known back then just how many balloons I’d be expected to blow up in later years, I’d have thought twice about ever having kids.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going out and spending hours talking and drinking we can spend hours waiting for a toddler to eat a chicken tender.
*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*
Ok, weigh me now.
I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
bird: I’m a bird. I have the ability to soar majestically over the mountains. I have a bird’s eye view of this beautiful planet and can see how wonderful it all is
me: and yet you choose to hang out in this McDonald’s parking lot
bird: did I mention I’m a seagull?
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.
I’m not a dietitian, but if you eat pizza right at midnight your body doesn’t know if the calories go towards yesterday or today so they don’t count
as president, I will allow people to use the same password as before when changing their password
*in a job interview*
No no it’s not a teardrop tattoo it’s supposed to be sweat. It shows I’m a hard worker
My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars
there are 2 wolves inside me, but please no one tell my landlord
my whole life consists of people asking me if i’ve seen this movie and me telling them no i haven’t seen that movie and then them telling me i should see that movie and then me telling them i’ll add it to the list but there is no list and i won’t watch that movie
I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around
Heard someone explaining how to close a bag of chips and now all I can think about is who doesn’t finish an entire bag of chips after opening it?
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
ME: Very funny.
GENIE: It’s what you asked for.
ME: You’re such an asshole.
GENIE: You said you wanted a-
ME: 27 foot yacht. Yeah, I get it.
Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.-You’re welcome
me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?
roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…
Your pancakes will never taste as good as the ones your mother made because those pancakes had a secret ingredient, which is that you were six years old.
Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.
My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”
You know what’s going to happen and it’s still funny every time 😂