Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The check engine light came on inside my oven.

On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”

The guy in the office next to me is trying to save the company $1.7 million dollars from the IRS. Meanwhile I’m busy googleing “whale dongs”

I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing

The best part of a Dolly Parton presidency would be the Dolly Pardons.

If your job doesn’t have a dress code, start wearing scrubs to it. Don’t say anything just do it and don’t answer any questions about it either

I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.

I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.

I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats

“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you

I was at a craft fair yesterday and I overheard a man say to his wife in a tone that conveyed no less than 6 emotions, Please no more potholders.

[ouija board]

me: are there any spirits with us? Speak now

ouija board: H E L L O F R O M T H E O T H E R S I D E

me: ….please stop

I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.

him: you any good at throwing axes

me: just call me lizzie borden

I call my smoke detector Gordon Ramsay because every time I cook it screams at me

Not sure what a Shakira coochie board is but white people really like it

Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?

Preparing for Milton by stockpiling Pop Tarts.

We’re doing a “show your pets on zoom” thing for our work meeting. Taking my laptop under my bed so the writhing knot of silverfish can say hi.

#IsStrangerThanStrangerThings

A groundhog taking the wheel

YouTube is a dangerous place for kids. There’s a lot of filthy stuff they could stumble upon like videos on how to make slime

When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.

Midwife [handing my baby]: make sure you support his head
Me: that’s a really great, floppy little head you’ve got there. Well done

*wife comes home*
“Did you fix the toilet?”
Yep!
[she opens door & is hit by avalanche of plums]
“You called the plummer again you idiot!!!”

“now i’ve seen everything” no you haven’t. have you seen a frog drive a submarine? shut up

me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks

The kid hasn’t pooped in 3 days.
Do I just squeeze him from the other end like a tube of toothpaste?

“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something

I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’

No one:

My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock