Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.

i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore

“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”

-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.

I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.

I wonder if the woman sitting in front of me at this game knows I can see every sexy text she sends her man as she sits close beside her other man.

a one man band getting kicked out of a zumba class

All I said was, Even those starving kids in Africa wouldn’t eat your cooking and my wifes foot became Mayor of my ass on Foursquare.

New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.

Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.

Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?

Me: I thought it was a carnival

You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address

You know…for fall…

I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.

Normalize ordering a straw with your soup

when you’re trying to sneak out and grab the amazon package first thing in the morning but your neighbor spots you

the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation

Wife: I want a divorce

Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.

Wife: then drink the tea I made for you

I’m doing Bikram yoga today.

By that I mean I’m in the back seat of a hot car trying to contort myself enough to reach the ignition.

Everything is a big deal to kids, like the time a giant bird took my dad from the beach and dropped him way out in the water.

Barbies and voodoo dolls are not interchangeable. I know this. My daughter knows this.

My daughter’s enemies? You better believe they know this.

Taking a little nap while I wait for the driver in front of me to realize the light has turned green

Plenty of tweets about normalize this and normalize that. Not enough about carmelizing this and that.

Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.

Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.

me: oh it’s so nice out I think I’ll wear shorts and a tank top

*5000000 mosquitoes like this post*

7 asks me every morning if i have to work and we do that 7 days a week no matter how much i explain to him. his excuse is “i’m just a 7 yo enjoying summer. i don’t know what day it is”.

Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.

My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.

Love triangle? You mean this Dorito?

Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.