me in my 20s with my 60 year old back pain
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I never dropped acid in college but I did drop American Lit, Intro to Philosophy, General Chemistry and Phys Ed.
ME: I got fired for microwaving fish at work
HER: whoa, fired? that seems harsh
ME: whatever, I didn’t like working at the aquarium anyway
Welcome to your 40s.
If you don’t have a back pain, one will be assigned to you.
[Christmas shopping]
me: I’m looking for a toy for my son
clerk: how old?
me: something new please
“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.
My boyfriend finally proposed to me, well he proposed that I stop saying he’s my boyfriend and that I get off his lawn and just leave him alone.
My 7yr old fell and I wanted to say “Are you okay? Be careful.” Instead it came out at as “Are you careful?” That answer would be an obvious no.
Kids will be like “let’s play hide and seek!”, look for you for five seconds and then get bored, start playing hot wheels or some other crap and leave you contorted up in the laundry room
Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 🤧🙄
*Love in the time of coronavirus*
Hey baby, want to go back to my place and play find the paper cut with the hand sanitizer?
A couple years ago, I met with a founder who asked me what my thoughts were about starting a company in the credit card space. I told him it was a terrible idea.
Today, his company is growing like crazy and makes millions of dollars every year.
Lesson: Do not ask me for advice
My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
Quiz host: Your topic is music
Me: Yes!!
Quiz Host: Which Imagine Dragons song starts quietly followed by the singer yelling the chorus?
Me: You’ve got to be kidding me
All those years of karate training wasted …
I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….
[in hell journal day 211]
I’ve asked if it was hot in here 932 times in 211 days. the dark lord is angry but he has nowhere else to send me
I got married under the spiderweb at recess when I was in kindergarten. I just saw my ex with his new wife. I bet she doesn’t know he eats crayons.
“you won’t always have a calculator with you” yes I will. The real test should be whether or not I can finish the quiz without buying anything online
You’ve got a lotta nerve showing up here and being right.
saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face
LAZINESS LEVEL: PRO!
#NationalLazyDay
Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift
Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra
A treadmill is just an expensive version of the ground
My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.
Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.
If there were Doritos on the tree in the garden of Eden, they would not have had to wait for the snake. Adam and Eve would have eaten those things first day. They would have known all about good and evil.
Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?
I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.
Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.
Boss: Okay just a reminder for everyone to mute themselves.