Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: Can you believe what’s going on in Egypt?

Me: Yeah…it’s crazy…I gotta go. Bye.

Me: *googles what’s happening in Egypt?*

Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps

Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.

Had a picnic and got bitten by every insect known to man. Except for a lady bug, she just sat on my forehead and took a shit.

God creating the duck: waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo

me: I can’t decide what to have

waiter: what about the duck?

duck: I’ll have lasagna

Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.

In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store

It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me

(hours before leaving on a road trip)

You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.

[first day as a spelling bee judge]

Me: your word is Sarcasm

Him: can you use it in a sentence please?

Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence

Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.

Do I like to live dangerously?

I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick

PEAK POKEMON DESIGN

A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.

If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand

*at a metal concert*
lead singer: ANY REQUESTS??
me: CAN YOU PLEASE ENUNCIATE

School supply list when I was a kid:
*crayons
*glue
*ruler

School supply list now:
*Clorox wipes
*paper towels
*Ziploc baggies

Apparently they’re teaching my kid to be a janitor or a drug dealer.

My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.

Breath mints make me sneeze. No, I don’t need that one back. I have others. Sorry about your eye.

🤣🤣

7-year-old: *using her tablet*

Me: You’re not doing your homework.

7: How did you know?

Me: You haven’t complained all morning.

Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?

Realtor: Why r u moving?
Me: I’ve been eating w my hands for 2 months because the sideways spatula won’t let me open my silverware drawer.

When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.

there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.

So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.

A smoke detector, but with voice recognition, that will turn off when you yell, “I’m just cooking”

*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*