Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
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Robert Downey Jr. will always be my hero, not because of Iron Man, but because he broke into someone’s home just to take a nap.
I had the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
My husband and I had an argument yesterday, we went to bed angry.
I woke up to a bacon egg & cheese. I thought wow… he’s really making an effort. I ate it.
Turns out it wasn’t for me 🤣
Thankfully I haven’t had to go out and panic buy any food as I’ve been saving some plums in my icebox for this very occasion.
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine
My fave part of eating corn dogs is when you get to the bottom and you have to shove the wooden stick in the back of your throat to get that last bit o’ battered glizzy
GENIE: u have 3 wishes
ME: give Taylor Swift 1 extra ear
GENIE: k
ME: a blue one
GENIE: righto
ME: now make Kanye hear out of it
GENIE: dude
I have this odd feeling that I’m going to be that crazy old lady that yells at everyone to get off the lawn.
From my apartment balcony.
i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica
Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.
extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like
I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
Got fired on my first day working at the drugstore for calling my new coworkers my pharmily.
“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.
Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed
[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol
Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.
Guy on SportsCenter just said Tiger Woods is “swinging a mean stick”, so look out, ladies. He’s back.
If the Get Out challenge was running straight at people and veering away last second, the Midsommar challenge is just taking your long term boyfriend to see Midsommar
Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.
I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.
Tom Holland’s nemesis is Jerry Amsterdam
“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym
*finds $20 in the dryer*
*adds money launderer to my resumé*
Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
Sorry not sorry.
My true love: [gives to me a partridge in a pear tree]
Me: wtf how did you wrap this
Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.