Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
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Them: Ma’am, we received your Aisles On-line order and we’re just calling to question what seems to be a discrepancy in your order.
Me: I did indeed order 30 packages of bacon if that’s what you’re referring to.
All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
When I was a kid at summer camp, I told my friend Rob I had two goals: to hammer nails up my nose at the camp talent show, and to find a girlfriend.
He said, “You might only get to do the first one.”
Barista: Did you hear Netflix is raising its price $2 a month?
Me: Ridiculous! I won’t pay it!
B: here’s your coffee. $12.32
M: thank you
Dear rock bands,
If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.
HADES: what happens when Aphrodites hair gets frizzy?
ZEUS: don’t-
HADES: i guess u could call her AFROdite
ZEUS: this is why we banished u
you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know
Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
[First date]
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m a florist”
WHY DON’T YOU LIKE THE FLOOR? WHAT HAS IT DONE TO YOU, IS IT BECAUSE IT’S LAVA?
I’m not saying everything has gone to hell since David Bowie, Tom Petty, and Prince died, but…
*gestures at everything*
When my date called himself the boogie man I was afraid we’d spent hours in a noisy club. Imagine my relief when we spent hours just randomly grabbing uncovered ankles from underneath beds.
ME: Make every guy afraid of me.
GENIE: As you wish.
ME: (a tampon): son of a
The Nobel Prizes are being announced this week, and once again, I have been snubbed. I’m starting to think they don’t even have a Nobel Prize in little internet jokes.
Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.
hmmm public speakimg clases..? well do u hav private speakimg clases? bc i hav a secret *leans in close to u* I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO WHISPER
Cop lights are so pretty at night
I really hope my house is haunted and not in need of structural repairs
My youngest is like a dog
She can spot a bad personality from a mile away and she also may bite you
I hope this tweet finds you in contact with reality.
Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.
People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.
[during sex]
her: call me names
me: george
Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
Turns out that the half-acre I bought is in an active tectonic zone. I’m on shaky ground here folks. I have a lot on my plate and it’s all my fault.
My new baby cousin is half Bengali/ quarter Portuguese and a quarter Nigerian. And the first thing my uncle says is welcome to the world baby United Nations 😭😭😭😭😭
Roses are red, violets are-
Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!
If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.
Wanna see awkward?
Hand me a baby.