Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?

“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”

Every mealtime I put a table mat under 9’s plate to catch the crumbs so they don’t go on the floor and at the end of every mealtime he sweeps the crumbs off the mat onto the floor. I think he’s faulty and would like a refund

wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭

[buys plastic lightsabers for the kids]

5-year-old daughter: Mine is broken.

Me: What’s wrong with it?

5: It doesn’t even cut off arms.

I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.

i wanna see the masterchef jr deleted scenes that HAVE to exist of gordon ramsay calling a kid the c-word for trying to julienne a snickers

Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.

My 4-year-old Just ran down the hallway yelling “CHEESES CRISIS.”

Oops. Maybe I’ve yelled Jesus Christ one too many times.

From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.

They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.

me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*

my mom: WHAT THE HELL!

walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”

Him: Parent-teacher night is next week.
Me: Will there be snacks?
Him: Does it really matter?
Me:
Him: *sighs* Yes.
Me: Okay. I’m in.

Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.

If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?

Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…

[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.

Today I went to the bank and asked if they had an atm. The guy said they had a drive thru. I said oh I walked here. He said that’s fine. I had to wait in line behind a car like this 🧍🏻‍♀️

i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”

I have poor night vision so I upgraded to LED headlights because it’s important to me to ensure nobody else can see either.

I threw some bird seed on my lawn earlier and now there are dozen of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow

I’m having my mother-in-law for Thanksgiving dinner tomorrow. She asked what she could bring. I said, “Bring some pie and cranberries and stuffing and mashed potatoes with gravy and a golden brown turkey.”

wife: [holding our new puppy] aw, don’t scare him

me: there are 18 million vacant homes in the US, that’s enough for every homeless person to have six

puppy: holy shit

“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying

Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn’t want to waste time on things that don’t matter.

He runs Facebook.

[strip to the waist for my fight club debut]
Opponent: “dude they meant the top half” *walks away*
[I claim victory and retire undefeated]

fedex driver: can i get a name?

sauron: i have many names

fedex driver: ok i just need one tho

Groom: I do.

Priest: And..

Me: can you give me a minute? [pulls best friend aside] ok what should I say because I don’t wanna look as though I like him too much and seem needy will I just say lol or make a joke.

i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.

Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?

Because he had gnocchi

*quietly waits for the reply guys

My 6yo spread peanut butter all over the floor outside my bedroom as an April Fools prank.
Is there an age limit for being able to drop a kid off at the fire station with no questions asked?