Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sure, 50% of marriages end in divorce and yeah, that’s sad.

But 100% of married people will die, and isn’t that a greater tragedy?

I’m not sure what the record is for hotdog eating contests, but the record for tofu dog eating is less than one.

I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese

I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional network

LinkedIn Park

*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that

if at first you don’t succeed that’s so embarrassing why are you so bad at this

[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”

Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.

IKEA Customer Services: hello, how may we help?

me: I seem to be missing a couple of parts

IKEA CS: could you describe the missing pieces?

me: well, where to begin…

[Ouijja Board]
What is the meaning of life?
S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E
*Squints at board*
What the heck?
A Bee Gee board?

Our family has a tradition of opening presents on live video so the kids can be disappointed in real time.

A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.

A big dipper? in this astronomy?

When a waiter doesn’t write down the order and someone in your group asks for no pickles and you know that’s going to be thing that wrecks it for everybody.

It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.

WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?

My son (4 years old), who has grown up watching us talk to Siri and Alexa, thinks you can talk to anything that has a screen or is plugged into the wall. This morning he told the toaster to order him a new lego set.

When you get your nails done to show up all the haters it’s a mani petty

Superman: How’d you know?
Lex: Know what?
S: My secret identity!
L: Whaddya mean?
S: You called me a KENT!!
L: That’s NOT what I called you.

Remembering when I was in 7th grade and my bestie and I realized our grandpas both fought in WW2 and we were like “omg were they besties too?? 🥹🥹” and then I told my mom and she was like “honey……..Noelle is German”

INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.

Her: It would really mean a lot to my mother if you came

Me *pulling out*: I know she wants grandkids but we’re not ready

Sitting outside in the dark on the swing and some drunk guy coming from the neighbor’s party is pissing on the tree in front of the house.

I coughed and I heard his pee stop.

Maybe next year… ☔️

#GreatBritishSummer #Rain

Ghosts can’t cut or color their hair; hence they’re supernatural

This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.

[in someone else’s master bathroom]

5-year-old: They have two sinks.

Me: Yeah.

5: One for each hand.

Nonwriters: How do you write a book?

Writers: Well, you write and delete a lot. Then spend three hours researching, and correct it. Next you doubt your grasp on the english language and rewrite it again

Nonwriters: Then you’re done?

Writers: Then you start the next paragraph

I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!

I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.