Me, in my *best* Sean Connery voice: Would you like that shaken or stirred?
My friend, horrified: Maddie, please just give me my baby back.
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My vegetarian sister discovered we were all in a separate group chat without her, sharing delicious food photos, called Secret Meat Up
Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
Hockey would be better if the players had to write a short essay about what they did wrong before they could leave the penalty box.
“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist
*crashes your wedding
Why aren’t you answering my DM?!
Based on the things my kid will and won’t eat, my cooking is apparently worse than a stale Fruit Loop covered in dog hair.
Judas is buying everyone shots.
Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him
I wear a cape because I’m Super Broke
therapist: so, how are you feeling?
me: i’m feeling ok
therapist: great! let’s ruin that feeling by unearthing some childhood trauma
My 7 yr old son drew a picture of an old woman.
I asked him who it was & he replied
“She comes into my bedroom to kiss me goodnight”
A chill ran down my spine then I remembered my mum is staying with us & it’s probably her.
This dudes dogs 😁battle cry
my uncle was kicked out of the army for eating too many spider webs
[First prison riot]
Me: *guarding my toilet wine*
*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*
Me: Did you know a cockroach can live for weeks with no head?
Him: That’s nothing. Husbands sometimes go for years.
Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?
Went into my 11yo’s room and found a loose leaf paper full of dried up boogers, in case you’re looking for reasons to stay on birth control.
Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.
If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.
I saved 15 per
cent on my insurance by
switching to haiku.
Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?
Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.
do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP
My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.
Me: *select all, delete*
What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”
My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy
If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.
Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.