Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
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Green is just blue that someone peed in
Is….Is this an option?
Multitasking is key these days. If not during my husband’s work video call, when am I supposed to sport my wedding gown and roll by on a skateboard
angel 1: what are these?
angel 2: strawberries
angel 1: you forgot the seeds!
angel 2: oh shit, he’s coming whadda we do?
angel 1: quick, stick ’em on the outside
god: *passing by* ooh nice
Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.
when you wait until you’re practically crowning to take a pregnancy test
MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?
If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
My kids re playing Frozen
4 is Anna
6 is Elsa
11 apparently is Sven
Hubs and I are the dead parents so at least we can just lay around and still be considered playing along
People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.
WIFE: I just read that men are five times more likely to be struck by lightning than women.
ME *on the roof in my He-Man costume with my sword* BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL WHAT HONEY?
me: thanks for the new bath toy
her: you’re welcome
me: oh and it makes toast too?
I USED VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO TODAY AND NOW I CAN’T STOP SHOUTING!
*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
“Sorry. Traffic.”
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”
im all 3
I’VE BEEN SHOT. SEND HELP! I’M GOING DOWN. Wait. False alarm. The wire on my bra just snapped in half.
Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.
Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.
I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.
*walking into our new house*
ME: Whaddya say we christen our new home?
HER: *giggling* OK*later, flinging holy water*
ME: GET OUT GHOSTS
WIFE: I want a divorce.
ME: Is it because of my small wrists?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: [taking off bracelet] Then take your ring back.
I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.
My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.
I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.
I bet at least ONE of Leonardo DiCaprio’s friends has called him Leotard. Probably Mark Wahlberg…
ROBBER: is this all the cash?
CASHIER: yes but would you like to donate $1 to charity
ROBBER [tears welling up inside his ski mask]: ok
CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS
*chugging beers at 11am*
Waitress: looks like somebody is having a fun St Patrick’s Day!
Me: That’s today?
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
It was to keep our furry overlords content😉
No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.