Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
You Might Also Like
If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room
Due to inflation, a picture is now worth 2370 words.
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it
How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life
What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?
Statistician here. I work on massive public datasets for multiple government departments, who must never find out that I remember the difference between the greater than > and less than < symbols by muttering under my breath “the crocodile eats the bigger number”.
Her: All day long I’ve had the strangest feeling that someone’s ….. watching me.
Me: Why, do you hear laughter?
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: yeah I spent ages on it then Word did that thing where all the paragraphs go weird
Interviewer: I mean where you didn’t work for 6 months
Me: well I had to recover from the Word thing
Moms that name their daughters Stacy are the real narcissists.
A Viking in the midst of battle doesn’t have time to stop and cook dinner. WarDash™ brings your favorite meal right to your war.
Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
If your BF wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day
me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
Me: AI, how many fingers am I holding up?
AI: 17.
Finally!
First line in frozen pizza instructions: DO NOT EAT FROZEN PIZZA W/OUT COOKING. It’s almost like they know I’m the target demographic.
Apparently trying to bribe a zookeeper to set up an animal Thunderdome situation will get you kicked out of the zoo.
Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…
[family brunch]
Sister: We’d love you to be our daughter’s godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.
Financial Tip: When laundering money, always separate the bills from the coins and use the delicate cycle with a gentle detergent.
Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me
[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*CHINESE WAITER: what
I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.
I’m never quite sure when to lean in for a kiss after a job interview.
what’s the point of liking a tweet if someone who is infatuated with me can’t see it and analyse what it means
It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.
I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.
My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her