Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Do you have any homework due tomorrow?

13-year-old: Not that I remember.

Me: Do you want to check to refresh your memory?

13: I’d rather not.

me: I’m going to the store to get bread

wife: if they have eggs, buy a dozen

[later]

wife: did they have eggs?

me: *carrying 12 loaves of bread* yes

Genie: 1st wish
ME: I wish for a pen
G: #2
M: another pen
G: wtf
M: I already lost the 1st pen
G: and ur 3rd
M: ur not going to believe this

ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.

Passport agent:

[having sex with centaur]

ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*

I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound

Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.

I can’t believe how different life was before

*googles*

Al Gore invented the Internet

I can count on three hands the number of times I failed math and anatomy.

ME: did u know that there’s no scientific evidence that flossing helps?

DENTIST: this is my daughter’s dance recital. Please leave us alone

In a coffee shop ask the person next to you to watch your laptop, but don’t leave. Put on netflix and binge spongebob with your new pal.

It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!

I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.

Got charged with impersonating a police officer, which would’ve been a lot less embarrassing had I not been a serving police officer at the time.

The cashier just checked me out.

I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.

My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.

eve: oH IM aDaM aNd I WoNT eAT aN ApPle

adam: wow

eve: lighten up i’m just ribbing you

adam: WOW

I might give this a try 😏

PRIEST: *cry laughing

ME: I told you I was funny when I was drunk

MY FIANCÉ: Yeah…hi

Ended my night saying “Stay goofy!” to a Waffle House waitress, and she replied: “You KNOW I will!”

I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down

*gets ‘knîf’ and ‘fork’ tattooed on my knuckles so I remember which hands to use when dining with the queen*

don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either

You know what I’m hoping is in my Easter basket this year?

A nap.

(Just kidding. Moms don’t get baskets.)

(Or naps.)

Want his attention?

Send nudes

Want to piss him off?

When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”

Anyone that says 100kg of feathers weighs the same as 100kg of steel hasn’t considered the additional weight of having to live with knowing what you did in order to procure 100kg of feathers.

You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?

if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)

If happiness is a moving target and I’ve been chasing it all my life, why am I fat?