Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!

I see lots of millennials doing great stuff and think “we’re gonna be okay,” then I remember they absolutely adored the Jonas Brothers

on a date with a guy who’s been fired from 3 different bowling alleys

I just need a shovel and a good alibi.

I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.

[Preens and poses in front of security camera]
*Shoplifts makeup and diet products*
Security Guard: Let her have it.

Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.

before meds: *hates everything*

after meds: *feels good about hating everything*

My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.

*me, dead for several years, in my casket six feet in the earth. suddenly, my phone, which i insisted on being buried with me, lights up*
{linkedin notification} congratulate david crandall on working 4 years at the ground beef station at taco bell

Even the stick figure woman on my wife’s back window has a headache.

friend: have u accepted jesus christ as yr savior so u can be allowed into the kingdom of heaven?
me: who all going?

I’ve never felt more geriatric than when I just looked up movie times and audibly gasped at the audacity of a 9:45 pm start. No sir! I will be 30 min into my melatonin induced coma by then.

No matter the event, in the Midwest they bring you a casserole. Divorced- casserole. Grandpa died- casserole. You married your first cousin- casserole

There’s no occasion where cheese and canned cream of soup can’t bring everyone together

A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.

Me: I might have done that when I was younger, but I’m too old for that now.

Nurse: Ma’am, I only asked you to stand up.

My 5-year-old just asked if we could have Hotdog Bell for dinner.

There is no Hotdog Bell here.

I’m not sure if there’s a Hotdog Bell at all.

Hug your kids as often as possible.

They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock

[on a 1st date]

Me: I’m just looking to take things slow

Her: *in a wedding dress* me too

Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.

Bro. His friends dared him to go touch your shoe

Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.

Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.

Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning

[terrible nursing home]

Old guy: How did you end up here?

Elderly me: I made my kids steak instead of hot dogs.

Him: *gasps* You monster.

You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.

I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.

-How much for the inflatable cat?
-Sir that’s bagpipes.

a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.

My wife trusts me with a joint bank account but when I’m loading the dishwasher she always walks in the kitchen “to get something.”