me in my last relationship: ignores all the red flags
me single: i don’t like this guys choice of emojis
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I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.
I had to deal with the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
You, watching House Hunters: this is ridiculous
Me, a house hunter: [squatting low to the ground, sniffing house dung] a bungalow is nearby
It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄
Delta Airlines Execs: oh COME on!!
Corona Beer Execs: FINALLY!!
Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.
*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*
I’m tired of 19 year olds thinking they’re special for being hot. You’re 19 You’re supposed to be hot. Call me when you’re 45 and hot.
[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ME: sephen
2019: The floor is lava.
2020: The year is lava.
establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’
I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience
[broken down by the side of the road]
ME: I think it’s the carburetor.
WIFE: You sure?
ME: Absolutely.
WIFE: Do you even know what that is?
ME: Of course.
WIFE: What does a carburetor do?
ME: It carburetes.
God: have a seat it may take a while to explain what you do.
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth: *begins moving towards chair*
God: okay actually you got it have fun on earth.
Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.
Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.
With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.
*Opens twitter*
*Sees Polio is trending*
*Closes twitter*
I’m probably being paranoid, but I’m pretty sure this guy knows I’m following him
I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.
“It got weird, didn’t it? ”
*Leaves on a pogo stick.*
[Court]
Me: My tweets go through a rigorous review process
Judge: Are they reviewed by other idiots?
M: *lips on mic* irrelevant, your honor
pisses me off to see people assume justin timberlake “driving while intoxicated” = “drunk driving.” he might have been intoxicated by an aroma, a sound, an idea.
Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit
Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?
You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz I’m going too fast?
Cop: Yes, go back a step.
Me: Ok, melt butter and peanut butter in a large pot over medium-low heat. Add marshmallows and stir until melted.
Cop: These Christmas cookies are going to be amazing.
Anyone else’s grandma used to slip them a five dollar bill like the mob bribing a witness not to testify?
“…just don’t tell your mother.”
The Breakfast Club: (1985) (1hr 37 mins) Not a single breakfast is had. Barely a club. Misleading. 1/10
My wife likes to tell folks our puppy was “fixed.”
But I just call a spayed a spayed.