Me, in my teens: *tries a new hobby*
Me, in my 20s: *tries a new career*
Me, in my 30s: *tries a new burner on my stove*
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My coworkers refused to believe I made the delicious Potluck lunch dish I brought and they kept claiming my wife did. In keeping with this toxic workplace atmosphere of distrust, I’m not telling them it was store bought.
*corruptly eats pizza with a spork*
Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.
Dragon: This is the last time.
Unicorn: Hell yeah!
Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]
Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.
Things my dating coach and I are working on:
– holding doors open for the ladies
– no karate at the table
– my cursive
– incense sticks are not currency
– drinking milk with only one hand
– not doing jazz hands every time I toot
He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.
*Game Character Treatment Center*
Counselor: Okay new faces, please tell us why you’re here
Pac-Man: Binge eating
Lara Croft: Kleptomania
Ryu: *crying* I can’t stop fighting streets
We can’t afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us
Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest
I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.
Me: We are leaving in an hour
Teens: Okay
*58 mins later*
Teens: *start cooking their lunch*
*hears recording of my voice*
Me: Haha! Do I really sound like that?
Judge: Please refrain from commenting on the state’s evidence.
I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster
I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.
Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.
“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese
“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*
My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine
CUTE JOKE ALERT!
the nutty professor works in macadamia academia.
CUTE JOKE OVER!
“I’m not going to eat anything today”
“Pie?”
“Please”
this guy in South Dakota left his pickup sitting for four days. You know it’s the pandemic. In that time a family of Red Squirrels picked apples from a nearby tree and stored em in his engine and wheel compartment. There are another 1 1/2 to 2 buckets in the wheel wells!!
Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China
I told myself I’d behave today… then I saw my reflection and thought, maybe tomorrow
I’m not saying Lois Lane is a bad investigative journalist, but my friend Greg didn’t wear glasses to work yesterday and I recognised him by lunch time.
When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.
When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside
this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W
