Me, in my teens: *tries a new hobby*
Me, in my 20s: *tries a new career*
Me, in my 30s: *tries a new burner on my stove*
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~At a snowboarding store.
Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.
Me: i know
Him:…
Me: Wait, what, oh the board…
WIFE: please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[later]
THEM: so how did you two meet?
ME: I did NOT buy her on eBay
My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.
Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!
Wife: An uncontested divorce
Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve bacteria here.”
And the bacteria says, “But we work here. We’re staph.”
When you stop looking for it is when you’ll find it.
Happiness, love, that last beer in the back of the fridge.
[in the woods]
Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*
Deer: I have a boyfriend
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours
what
Godzilla was the first house flipper.
I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.
I only buy cookware with the handles that somehow get hotter than the pot itself
First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
me: I was mugged by a snake
cop: was he armed?
me: *long pause* no
“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag
Having a dramatic falling out with somebody is so embarrassing .. people will be like “what happened” and now you have to sound like a 7-year-old
Indiana Jones: why does it have to be snakes
Ron Weasley: why does it have to be spiders
me: why does it have to be family get-togethers
[3am]
Me:
My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
I don’t believe in lying to children… unless it’s about where the good snacks are hidden. Then it’s fine
Don’t call me “Dad”, please call me by my professional title, “Half-Eaten Food Connoisseur Broken Toy Engineer Butt-Wipeologist”.
[Argument at family dinner]
Wife: *Whispers to me* Don’t start taking sides this time.
Me: Why not? *sliding roast potatoes in pocket* They’re too busy yelling to notice.
Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.