Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cute animal videos may be turning me vegetarian. Off the menu so far: donkeys, sugar gliders, and bumblebees born without wings.

Air Bud’s owner: There’s no rule in the book that says a dog can’t be on the court.

Chief Justice Roberts: *sigh* We’ll need his measurements for the robe.

if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water

ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working

GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure

I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.

(Me, finding lemons outside my door again) Good thing universe has a hearing problem! I wasn’t serious when I ordered those demons

Geico commercials should just show pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say “people like this are out there.”

babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before

A real smart TV would increase the volume when you start eating chips.

“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool

I just realized my slack status for the last hour has said “hot dog” because I was searching for the hot dog emoji so I could note that I was at lunch but I just typed “hot dog” as my status and then it just gave me that lil 💬 guy as the emoji. Everyone’s slackin me “hot dog”

I was challenged to fisticuffs in the carpark once, other chap led the way, I followed until we came to a corridor which led back to the bar, I took it, he carried on oblivious, never seen him again, bouncer wouldn’t let him back in – God bless him.

When his teacher told us that our toddler is kind and sweet to the other kids in school I was so relived. If he treated other people the way he treated me he’d be in jail.

I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.

A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.

A haiku about getting the kids up for school:

Get up get up get
Up geT UP GET UP GET UP
Great there goes the bus

In order to catch herpes…

You need to think like a herpe.

[at hair salon]

Her (holding up mirror): Look good?
Me: Looks great!!!

[in car two minutes later]

Me (looking in mirror): wtf did she do to my hair

‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.

Me: *falls down entire staircase*

(20 full seconds of silence)

Dad: …careful.

#SometimesForFun I update signs at work

Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.

My fight or flight response has frequent flyer miles.

[date gets back from the bathroom]

those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?

“kids?”

This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.

Doctor 1: burrowing mites under the skin is pretty gross, but how do we make it sound even grosser?

Doctor 2: let’s call it scabies

Doctor 1: YES!! done

Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies

Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.

unfortunately thanks to anesthesia we’ll never know if internal organs can be ticklish