Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just injected myself with bleach and as far as I can tell nothing is hapxczfdszg vhrwxx
$&8766bfdgjkklk vbczzsawq

Why is called the Vatican and not Holywood?

“Hello, Pizza Hut”
Hi, how many slices are on a large pizza?
“eight”
And a medium?
“eight”
*long pause* I’d like to speak with your manager

Morning all.

Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂

Hot housemate: I miss my boyfriend

Me: The doctor?

Her: He never comes over anymore

Me *smiling at my room full of apples* yeah it’s so weird

[my first day as a psychologist]

patient: i’ve been hearing voices

me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours

Doctor: do you exercise?

Me: oh yeah I do all of them, the push-offs, plonks

Doctor:

Me: cronchies

Doctor: I’m gonna put no

Me: ok

If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.

I need a device that connects to other cars Bluetooth so I can yell “WHY CAN’T YOU DRIVE” through their speakers

I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in

*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now

Saw a true dear friend today …. Thank God I was able to hide in time.

*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*

Werewolf 1: Edibles!

I told the barista my name was “Britney Spears” just for giggles and he handed me my coffee with “annoying white girl” written on it instead

I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.

The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble

Why don’t you sing about it?

– Walt Disney as a therapist

Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?

Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.

Stages of a quick trip to Costco:

1. I need only one thing.
2. I need a shopping cart.
3. I need help loading this in my car.
4. I need a bigger car.

Me, to my Greek aunt: Want to come over for dinner?

Her: No, thanks.

Me, to the same aunt: We have nothing to eat. Want to help us make dinner?

Her: On my way. I’ll be stopping at four stores to pick up ingredients. Set oven to 450. I’ll bring my own cooking utensils.

Me:🤦🏻‍♂️

Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.

My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.

I don’t know who needs to hear this today, but you are valued and you are loved.

Unless you talk on speakerphone in public.

In which case, everyone hates you.

I was not ready for the 70yo couple at the doctor’s office go from ones concern for the other’s low blood sugar to screaming at each other about talking too loudly. Right next to me in an almost empty waiting room.

living in a van down by the river isn’t an insult anymore. It’s a YouTube sensation.

Election Day is on a Tuesday because our government cannot compete with Monday Night Football

Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper “I know it’s been you shitting in my yard.”

papa cloud: alright little fella, no more diapers

little cloud: *tinkling over desert*

papa: no no no! rainforest, buddy, rainforest!!

wrestling movies: im sad and i have something to prove to my dad
actual wrestlers: my name is Nutbuster Mike and i dont care if i die