Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.

My wife teaches high school math and half of her time is spent just making sure that none of the math problems she gives to the kids end up with an answer of 69 or 420

I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.

Not religious but been going through a hard time so lit a candle in a church today for the first time to seek help. 30 mins later a pigeon shat on my head

ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.

Leonardo DiCaprio is totally getting laid tonight! This has nothing to do with the Oscar, just a safe assumption to make each and every day.

The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.

My youngest kid quit liking cheese, so now I have to eat it for the both of us

Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.

Both my kids are denying ownership of an iPhone charger that they usually fight over. Makes me wonder what crime scene evidence is on it.

My neighbours claim to be huge Disney fans but called the cops when I mowed the lawn Winnie the Pooh style

Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell

“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!”

“Nope.”

“A spider? An aardvark?”

“Wrong. It’s a horse.”

“Wow. You can’t draw for shit.”

i hate when someone rings my doorbell because then i have to drop whatever i’m doing to be silent and pretend i’m not home.

“Can I have $20?”

-how teenagers say hello

Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.

And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked

10 y/o daughter walked up to me and said, “My Father’s Day gift to you is me because without me, you wouldn’t be a father,” then she added, “You’re welcome,” before walking away and that about sums up being a father.

7yo: Is that you in the picture?

Me: Yes. Isn’t it fun looking at old pictures?

9yo: You look different.

7: Yes, your face was skinnier.

9: Your hair looks way better in the picture.

Me: That’s enough fun for one day.

just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes

My kid at 8am: Mommy!
Me: Yes, my love?

My kid at 8pm: Mommy!
Me: WHAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTT NOWWWWW?!

not interested in dating apps, not interested in talking to random people in coffee shops/bars/shops… need my soulmate to find me through intuition and echo location rn immediately

Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails

Me: sounds good

Sent from my iPhone

Sent from my iPhone

*dresses like a kitty*

*climbs tree*

*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*

[on a date]

Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous

Me: What’s his name?

Me: I’d like to apologise for my behaviour

Host: No need, you haven’t done anything wrong

Me: I haven’t started yet

me: [taking the last bite of a big meal] now I’m ready for a long nap

executioner: coming right up

I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.

[Texting]

Him: Hey babe, what’re you wearing?

Me: *naked pooping* ummm…nothing

Him: That’s hot