Baker: Is there a problem?
Cannibal, returning a mincemeat pie: You’re damn right there’s a problem!
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Traveling with kids is just paying to use bathrooms somewhere else
#WhatMostWomenWant A man with a vibrating penis.
BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.
Wife said “these kids are leaving the lights on” so looks like I have some competition in the dad department.
It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.
Nobody is happy. Be like Nobody.
For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.
Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?
before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.
This is just an IMMACULATE use of Reddit. Peak app performance.
[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”
It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying
date: wow nice body
me: i like working out
date: it shows
me: *bench pressing cadaver* he’s starting to stink tho
I always strip to the waist when I quit a job.
As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?
I exercise by keeping the whisky bottle on the far side of the room.
Alien Archeologist: this human was buried covered in chicken bones, we theorize he believed in a poultry afterlife.
Me: (25,000 years earlier, climbing into a KFC dumpster in the dead of night)
PRIEST: does anyone object to this marriage
ME: (clearing throat)
BRIDE:
GROOM:
PRIEST:
ME: i accidentally swallowed a Lego just now
Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Hey guys, welcome to my cooking channel, be sure to smash that subscribe button *children’s voices at the door* ok! let’s get started
[Marriage Counseling]
Wife: He’s always messing up even the simplest phrases.
Me: I THOUGHT we were gonna keep that on the download…
Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!
babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
*first day as a magician*
Me: For my next trick im going to make this parrot disappear, abracadabra!
Child: the parrots under your shirt. I can see it.
Me: no it isn’t
My shirt: no it isn’t
All of my best ideas involve jail time.
Married girls are so lucky. They can post anything they want on here because they already tricked some dumb guy into marrying them.
Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks
Dolls on drugs
(business meeting)
*drops pen on the floor*
*bends over to pick it up*
*shirt comes untucked*
*all the jelly beans start falling out*